Post your fav Joke

[missbeehive1963]

Quote: Originally Posted by Phil St. Romain Ha. A little of both, as is often the case, but nothing unduly critical or mean-spirited, imo. Very clever.

"People come here to talk about Mac OS X, Macs, and related topics. The Coat Room allows for a little more latitude in sujects, but the last thing we want is for someone to come onto this forum and find their country, their political leaders, or their religion insulted. Other Mac forums allow this; we don't."

phil, its just sheer hypocracy and a contradiction.

i just got a row from you in another thread for using the word "bush"

the brits labour voting brits viewing that clip may get up in arms about it and choose to be offended, for reasons i darent get into with you.

its the same man things that you pick up on with people each time,
i think your admin skills are biased, i know i'm not alone with that one.

i think if you are going to allow/dissallow somthing, you should keep your own cards closer to your chest.

anyway...


man - doctor i.......
doctor - come in...... sit down....now.. what seems to be the problem?
man - i...............................
doctor - take your time...just relax.....
man - ...........i..........................
doctor - is it the same thing as before?
man -.......(shakes his head)..............
doctor - ..just relax......tell me.......
man- doctor...i......
doctor - yes?
man- .. i feel like a dog.......on a moterway....
doctor - ... i see.....you better be careful....you are in danger of getting run down.

[6502]

From waaaaay back on page 2...

Quote: Originally Posted by hayne I was offended since it needs to run a signed applet in order to show me the video...

Just click "No" when it asks you if you want to accept the applet and then click on the QuickTime link.

No problem. No security risk.

[6502]

Oh, darn... I should have told a joke in that last post... wait...

A worker at a small town church noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making more in a week than most people in town did in a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?" And so he did...

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution, would you like to do so now?"

The lawyer responded, "A contribution?!! Did you know that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker was feeling a bit embarrassed and said, "Well, no sir, I'm so..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids, cancer and no means of support!"

The worker was feeling awful at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Did you think to ask about my brother who broke his neck on the job and now that he's a paralytic requires full time care to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker was completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

[ArcticStones]

.
My friends who are still working at the factory often ask me what retired people do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, because I knew exactly what I wanted. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket for that nice BMW.

I went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him “jerk”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket since the car had worn tires.

So I called him “a useless incompetent scoundrel”. He finished the second ticket and put it on he windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. But I did recognise that license plate; I think the owner often parks outside the Country Club, and usually peers out from one of the top floors of City Hall.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

[Paul Hibbert]

A peasant is pulling a cart past the newly-completed Stonehenge. One of the druids says "Hey, man - do you want to know what time it is?"

[Paul Hibbert]

A farmer is gathering eggs when the local commisar arrives to take his cut. The farmer hates giving his eggs to the commisar in what is essentially a bribe, but he has no choice. As the commisar is leaving, an egg falls out of his basket and rolls back to the farmer's feet.

"Give me back my egg" says the commisar.

"It's my egg" says the farmer. The commisar gets mad and threatens the farmer with the gulag.

"I tell you what" says the farmer, "Let's settle this like cossacks."

"Ahh, the old cossack duel" says the commisar, "but that means we take it in turns to horsewhip each other until one of us gives in, and I don't have my horsewhip"

"That's all right" says the farmer, "we'll take it in turns to kick each other in the nuts. First one to call truce forfeits the egg."

"OK" says the commisar, "you go first."

The farmer kicks the commisar as hard as he can in the nuts. The commisar groans and falls to his knees, but does not give in.

"Right, my turn" says the commisar.

"That's all right" says the farmer, "You can keep the egg".

[ArcticStones]

.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde had just opened a book but she closes it and says "What would you like to discuss?"

He says "How about nuclear power?"

"OK" says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to talk about nuclear power when you don't know s***?”

[ArcticStones]

.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: - "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: - "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling... this gets better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!

[ArcticStones]

.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely – in fact downright depressed.

So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with everything you say. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history...

[ArcticStones]

.
Ok, ok. For the sake of balance, I humbly submit this one.
I forget which well-known author (authoress?) first said this:

"When God created woman,
She did exactly what I do when I write.
First She made a rough draft."

[Photek]

Microsoft in Detroit?

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[ArcticStones]

Quote: Originally Posted by Photek Microsoft in Detroit? ... 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Isn’t it obvious? This vehicle is good enough for government work.

[fgm]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She
dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied,
"its square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the
mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't
realize you were a cop."

[Caius]

Quote: Originally Posted by fgm A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "its square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Classic!

All my blonde friends that I just read that out to are glaring at me now

[ArcticStones]

.
I’m putting this where it belongs:

"In the fall, having the latest WGA will become mandatory and if its not installed, Windows will give a 30 day warning and when the 30 days is up and WGA isn't installed, Windows will stop working…"

– Microsoft representative

[ArcticStones]

.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"

[ArcticStones]

.
Lecture: The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually, sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

[ArcticStones]

.
I shall not quote any of these, but I find this rather striking. And telling...

[Photek]

talking of definitions....


do you know the differance between a 'slag and a 'bitch'

'a slag sleeps with everyone'

'a bitch sleeps with everyone except for you'

its true

[ArcticStones]

.
God knows there are enough diseases and other ailments under the sun. Just to be on the safe side, however, some physicians are more inventive than others. Here are some of the diagnoses and symptom descriptions they’ve managed to add to medical journals:

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her
husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left
side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the
third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began
seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain
in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most
of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our
car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection.

However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who
felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

and....