Post your fav Joke - Page 6

Topaz · 11-25-2005, 01:36 PM

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch, and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

josephabm · 11-27-2005, 04:50 AM

A three-year-old walks up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He asks the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replies, "I'm having a baby".

He asks again, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She replies, "He sure is"

Then he asks "Is it a good baby?"

She says, "Oh, yes!"

With a really surprised look he asks, "Then why did you eat him?"

Photek · 12-01-2005, 08:48 AM

Raven...... Stones..... anyone else who cares!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/

look out for Little Britain and League of gentleman, but there looks to be some oldies like Blackadder too!

Raven · 12-01-2005, 01:15 PM

That makes me think that it sucks to only have BBC kids around here... it means only a few british sitcoms late at night... Would be nice to have full BBC...

Photek · 12-01-2005, 01:57 PM

the Beeb is going to be broadcasting all of its TV for 1 week after it is first shown. They are looking at using itunes and their own website.... apparently!

Raven · 12-01-2005, 02:03 PM

MMm new idea that would be popular witrh me on iTunes store.. Download british sitcom episodes like they offer for some american shows. Would be nice if they pout in the old ones... I'm sure they'd be a hit and I'd be ruined

chutem · 12-01-2005, 04:22 PM

i know that Little Britian is on BBC america. Funny as hell. I also dearly love Mr. Bean (In addition to the others mentioned before)

dmacks · 12-01-2005, 04:42 PM

The "green golfball joke" is often considered the funniest joke in the world. Don't have time to post it right now...

Photek · 12-01-2005, 04:55 PM

what this green golf ball joke?

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. "You can't lose it.''

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!''

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.''

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!''

The man replies, "I found it.''

ArcticStones · 12-01-2005, 06:15 PM

.
There are many jokes about how extreme avid golfers can be. This one is my favourite:

"One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole.

Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face.

As she reaches the raised tee, she screams out: "I can't believe it! How could you do that?"

The golfer, not to be distracted, calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway.

He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says: "Hey, I said only if it's raining..."

ArcticStones · 12-01-2005, 06:34 PM

.
And here is my favourite Gregory Bateson anecdote:

A man once asked his computer: 'Will you ever think like a human being?'

The computer carefully analyzed its own habits and inner workings. Finally, it printed its answer on a piece of paper, as such machines do. The man ran to get the answer and found, neatly typed, the words:

‘That Reminds me of a Story...’

ArcticStones · 12-04-2005, 05:58 AM

.
Some of the funniest English texts ever written are intended as helpful information. Here is a small sampling from a highly recommended book, Anguished English by Richard Lederer. Enjoy!

Travelling:
Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Elevator in Leipzig: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.
Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chamber maid.
Japanese train station: For the restroom, please go to your behind.

Joys of dining:
Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Swiss mountain inn: Special today no ice cream
Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Menu in Polish restaurant: Salad a firm’s own make, limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fasion.

Strictly professional:
Woman doctor’s office: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Dry cleaner’s in Thailand: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Roman laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Attempts at erudition:
Austrian ski resort: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Tokyo car rental firm: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him medlodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Correct ...well, strictly speaking:
Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
Events in Moscow: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

From my own country (not from Mr Lederer):
Damned good bananas! (rough translation of sign outside a Pakistani grocery)
Welcome to this mess. (From a hearty welcome by the Norwegian Petroleum Minister some years ago. The Norwegian word "messe" means trade exhibition.)
I see you’ve taken off lately. (A none too successful comment by a Norwegian at a reception at the British Embassy, to a lady who had lost a considerable amount of weight. A very accurate transliteration...)

Our neighbours also deserve special mention:
Window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
Airline ticket office in Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

My personal favourite:
At a Parisian haute couture dress shop: We have dresses for street walking.

With best regards,
ArcticStones

Oops · 12-04-2005, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jbc


	I certainly remember that one from childhood, but isn't it supposed to be asked as "What's black and white and red all over?" I remember an alternate answer was "A sun-burned zebra" (when you got tired of answering "A newspaper").

Another alternative is "A wounded nun."

I went to a Catholic grade school.

NovaScotian · 12-04-2005, 01:42 PM

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.

Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

bedouin · 12-13-2005, 01:29 PM

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

ArcticStones · 12-13-2005, 05:15 PM

.

We teach our kids very thoroughly. Here is their honest understanding of the Ten Commandments:

"You shouldn’t lie." (Halvor, 6 years)
"You shouldn’t steal from poor people if they’re watching." (Frida, 6 years)
"You should temper your grandma so she gets to heaven." (Caroline, 7 years)
"Thou shalt not be a bully." (Halvor, 6 years)
"You mustn’t covet your wife or other working people." (Christian, 9 years)
"Thou shalt not kill time." (Karina, 7 years)
"You should keep your neighbour as yourself." (Runa, 8 years)
"A little pile can topple a big load." (Christian, 8 years)
"You shouldn’t hit anyone unless you really have to." (Henriette, 7 years)
"You should listen to your mother – and pay real careful attention to the tone of her voice." (Thomas André, 7 years)

Photek · 12-15-2005, 02:23 PM

a man walks in to the doctors surgery..

(Man) Doctor, I have a mince pie stuck up my arse.

(Doctor) I will get some cream!

Seasonal!

LoneShark · 12-15-2005, 02:55 PM

Bob was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.

But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''

Finally Bob let her get it off her chest.

''Bob, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.''

''Don't worry about it,'' Bob said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?''

ArcticStones · 12-16-2005, 04:27 PM

.

"I got the shuffle. Lightweight, honk it on. And you shuffle the shuffle."

– Executive iPod explanation

Photek · 12-17-2005, 03:07 PM

how does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza..........?

...... deep pan, crisp and even...

are these jokes getting worse?

11-25-2005, 01:36 PM	#101
Topaz Prospect Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Modesto, California Posts: 11	This is funny... A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch, and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. How did you know?" "I don't like her."

12-01-2005, 01:15 PM	#104
Raven Hall of Famer Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Montreal Posts: 4,782	That makes me think that it sucks to only have BBC kids around here... it means only a few british sitcoms late at night... Would be nice to have full BBC... __________________ Waffled foreheads are a symptom of broken keyboards and inexperienced users

12-01-2005, 02:03 PM	#106
Raven Hall of Famer Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Montreal Posts: 4,782	MMm new idea that would be popular witrh me on iTunes store.. Download british sitcom episodes like they offer for some american shows. Would be nice if they pout in the old ones... I'm sure they'd be a hit and I'd be ruined __________________ Waffled foreheads are a symptom of broken keyboards and inexperienced users

12-01-2005, 04:22 PM	#107
chutem Major Leaguer Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kensington, MD Posts: 354	i know that Little Britian is on BBC america. Funny as hell. I also dearly love Mr. Bean (In addition to the others mentioned before) __________________ "Ah I see you have the machine that goes PING!"

12-01-2005, 06:15 PM	#110
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	Only if it’s raining . There are many jokes about how extreme avid golfers can be. This one is my favourite: "One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face. As she reaches the raised tee, she screams out: "I can't believe it! How could you do that?" The golfer, not to be distracted, calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says: "Hey, I said only if it's raining..."

11-27-2005, 04:50 AM	#102
josephabm Prospect Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1	A three-year-old walks up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He asks the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replies, "I'm having a baby". He asks again, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She replies, "He sure is" Then he asks "Is it a good baby?" She says, "Oh, yes!" With a really surprised look he asks, "Then why did you eat him?"

12-01-2005, 08:48 AM	#103
Photek Hall of Famer Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Warwick, UK Posts: 4,835	Raven...... Stones..... anyone else who cares! http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/ look out for Little Britain and League of gentleman, but there looks to be some oldies like Blackadder too!

12-01-2005, 01:57 PM	#105
Photek Hall of Famer Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Warwick, UK Posts: 4,835	the Beeb is going to be broadcasting all of its TV for 1 week after it is first shown. They are looking at using itunes and their own website.... apparently!

12-01-2005, 04:42 PM	#108
dmacks All Star Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 678	The "green golfball joke" is often considered the funniest joke in the world. Don't have time to post it right now...

12-01-2005, 04:55 PM	#109
Photek Hall of Famer Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Warwick, UK Posts: 4,835	what this green golf ball joke? These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. "You can't lose it.'' His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!'' The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.'' Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!'' The man replies, "I found it.''

12-01-2005, 06:34 PM	#111
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	That reminds me... . And here is my favourite Gregory Bateson anecdote: A man once asked his computer: 'Will you ever think like a human being?' The computer carefully analyzed its own habits and inner workings. Finally, it printed its answer on a piece of paper, as such machines do. The man ran to get the answer and found, neatly typed, the words: ‘That Reminds me of a Story...’

12-04-2005, 05:58 AM	#112
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	Anguished English . Some of the funniest English texts ever written are intended as helpful information. Here is a small sampling from a highly recommended book, Anguished English by Richard Lederer. Enjoy! Travelling: Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. Elevator in Leipzig: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily. Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chamber maid. Japanese train station: For the restroom, please go to your behind. Joys of dining: Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. Swiss mountain inn: Special today no ice cream Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. Menu in Polish restaurant: Salad a firm’s own make, limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fasion. Strictly professional: Woman doctor’s office: Specialist in women and other diseases. Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. Dry cleaner’s in Thailand: Drop your trousers here for best results. Roman laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Attempts at erudition: Austrian ski resort: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. Tokyo car rental firm: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him medlodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Correct ...well, strictly speaking: Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. Events in Moscow: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. From my own country (not from Mr Lederer): Damned good bananas! (rough translation of sign outside a Pakistani grocery) Welcome to this mess. (From a hearty welcome by the Norwegian Petroleum Minister some years ago. The Norwegian word "messe" means trade exhibition.) I see you’ve taken off lately. (A none too successful comment by a Norwegian at a reception at the British Embassy, to a lady who had lost a considerable amount of weight. A very accurate transliteration...) Our neighbours also deserve special mention: Window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. Airline ticket office in Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions. Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. My personal favourite: At a Parisian haute couture dress shop: We have dresses for street walking. With best regards, ArcticStones Last edited by ArcticStones; 12-04-2005 at 06:02 AM.

12-04-2005, 01:42 PM	#114
NovaScotian League Commissioner Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Halifax, Canada Posts: 5,156	A Woman Who Reads (my wife's fave) One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies. "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman. "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left. Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

12-13-2005, 01:29 PM	#115
bedouin All Star Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 759	Microsoft Joke A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

12-13-2005, 05:15 PM	#116
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	The Ten Commandments . We teach our kids very thoroughly. Here is their honest understanding of the Ten Commandments: "You shouldn’t lie." (Halvor, 6 years) "You shouldn’t steal from poor people if they’re watching." (Frida, 6 years) "You should temper your grandma so she gets to heaven." (Caroline, 7 years) "Thou shalt not be a bully." (Halvor, 6 years) "You mustn’t covet your wife or other working people." (Christian, 9 years) "Thou shalt not kill time." (Karina, 7 years) "You should keep your neighbour as yourself." (Runa, 8 years) "A little pile can topple a big load." (Christian, 8 years) "You shouldn’t hit anyone unless you really have to." (Henriette, 7 years) "You should listen to your mother – and pay real careful attention to the tone of her voice." (Thomas André, 7 years)

12-15-2005, 02:23 PM	#117
Photek Hall of Famer Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Warwick, UK Posts: 4,835	a man walks in to the doctors surgery.. (Man) Doctor, I have a mince pie stuck up my arse. (Doctor) I will get some cream! Seasonal!

12-15-2005, 02:55 PM	#118
LoneShark Prospect Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Virginia Posts: 30	Bob was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.'' Finally Bob let her get it off her chest. ''Bob, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.'' ''Don't worry about it,'' Bob said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?'' __________________ "Lone. . . coming into the world" "Lone. . . leaving this world" ﻚﺮﺁﺶﻦﻭﻶ

12-16-2005, 04:27 PM	#119
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	. "I got the shuffle. Lightweight, honk it on. And you shuffle the shuffle." – Executive iPod explanation

12-17-2005, 03:07 PM	#120
Photek Hall of Famer Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Warwick, UK Posts: 4,835	how does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza..........? ...... deep pan, crisp and even... are these jokes getting worse?