Post your fav Joke

[Jay Carr]

First, any reference to differences/distinctions can be misconstrued as insulting if you want it to.

Second, just because we don't understand why doesn't make it any less insulting.

Third, I thought we avoided political topics in this forum for a reason. Can't we just go back to telling jokes?

[ArcticStones]

.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the punk cross the road?
A: Because he was stapled to the chicken.

[ArcticStones]

.

Ok, here is one:

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That’s not funny!!

[malkin]

(Another Fine Program Brought To Us By YHWH Inc.)

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,

c:>Let there be light!

Enter user id.

c:>God

Enter password.

c:>Omniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:>Omnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:>Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:>Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:>Create light

Done

c:>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:>Create firmament

Done.

c:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

c:>Create dry_land

Done.

c:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:>Create sun_moon_stars

Done

c:>Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:>Create fish

Done

c:>Create fowl

Done

c:>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:>Create cattle

Done

c:>Create creepy_things

Done

c:>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:>Create man

Done

c:>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:>Insert breath

Done

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:>Move man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:>Create Garden.edn

Done

c:>Move man to Garden.edn

Done

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:>Copy woman from man

Done

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:>Create desire

Done

c:>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:>Create freewill

Done

c:>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:>Create good, evil

Done

c:>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

c:>Break

c:>Break

c:>Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:>Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space.
You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh.

[pantherman13]

Thats awesome

[malkin]

Chocoholics Anonymous...

The following is taken from Ian Breakspear, 2002.

"You have won a mole of chocolate chips! where to put them?

cool, sounds awesome, a whole mole of chocolate chips - a chocoholics dream... or is it?

Firstly you must store them somewhere. the most obvious place would be the fridge. So, will the mole of chocolate chips fit in the fridge?

Well a standard choc chip is about 10mm in diameter, and has a vol. of about 500 cubic millimetres. An average fridge is maybe about 1000mm high, 600mm wide and 6000mm deep (exclud. the freezer), and so will have a vol of 360000000 cubic mm (3.6x10^8mm^2). So, if you chuck out all the useless junk (like fruit, salad and veggies) you can fit in about 720000 choc chips. Not quite enough.

Now stuff a small house, measuring approx 10mx20mx3m and you will have stored 1200000000 choc chips (1.2x10^9).
well, let's try all houses in a small city (say 1million houses) and you will have stored 1200000000000000 choc chips (1.2x10^15)!

okay, you still have a problem. you still haven't stored anywhere near a mole.

So, in the interests of world peace, international unity, abolition of poverty, and supply of food for all, we decided to cover the earth with choc chips, to the depth of 3m. Now we will have stashed about 1000000000000000000000 choc chips (1x10^22)!

IT WILL REQUIRE ABOUT 60 EARTHS TO FINISH THE JOB, EACH PILED 3 METRES DEEP!

Now let's count our prize!
Being paranoid chocoholics, we must confirm that we have not been diddled. All 6 billion people on the planet will help you. They will all count a choc chip per second, without a break, until finished. That's 6000000000 (6x10^9 chips per second).

So it will require 1.0036666x10^14 seconds) to count them all.

THAT'S 1672777700000 MINUTES OR 27879629000 HRS OR 1161651234 DAYS OR 3180427.7 YEARS TO COUNT A MOLE OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS!

[Photek]

George Bush's count down to war...


10..

9..

8..

7..

8..

7..

errhh

5..

3..

8..

[ArcticStones]

The headline from today’s paper is fantastic:
“Briter på nissetur gir flyforsinkelser i Norge”
Umm... I suppose that needs translation:

“Delays in air traffic due to British
travellers on their way to Santa Claus”

I kid you not!
As many as 25 airplanes per hour are passing through Norwegian air space on their way to Rovaniemi, Finland, carrying Brits with Christmas wish lists in their luggage.
Heavy Finnish marketing has ensured that everyone – especially English kids and their mums and dads – know that Santa’s home is located just outside the town of Rovaniemi, in the far north of Finland.

Well, basically that exhausts much of the flight control capacity in Southern Norway, forcing travellers with other errands to wait. “Flights may at times be delayed by as much as half an hour, says Jo Kobro at Oslo Airport Gardermoen.

[oroberts]

What's black and white and read all over?

A newspaper!

[jbc]

Quote: Originally Posted by oroberts What's black and white and read all over? A newspaper!

I certainly remember that one from childhood, but isn't it supposed to be asked as "What's black and white and red all over?" I remember an alternate answer was "A sun-burned zebra" (when you got tired of answering "A newspaper").

Q: What's mean and round?

A: A vicious circle.

[Photek]

whats brown and sticky???






a stick!

[hayne]

Quote: Originally Posted by Photek whats brown and sticky???

It's not that I don't like the joke (I do - it's one of my favourites from this thread) - but like any joke, it's less funny the second time.
See post # 7 in this thread.

[oroberts]

Quote: Originally Posted by jbc I certainly remember that one from childhood, but isn't it supposed to be asked as "What's black and white and red all over?" I remember an alternate answer was "A sun-burned zebra" (when you got tired of answering "A newspaper"). Q: What's mean and round? A: A vicious circle.

Yeah, I see it doesn't quite work when its written! Lucky jokes are spoken!

[Photek]

Hayne.... its a family trait... not only repeating myself... but also the belief that I am actually funny!

My Father and Grandfather are all the same!

Being brought up on comedy like Blackadder, the Young Ones and Benny Hill probiably goes a long way to explaining things!

[ArcticStones]

Quote: Originally Posted by Photek Being brought up on comedy like Blackadder, the Young Ones and Benny Hill probiably goes a long way to explaining things!

Black Adder? Consider me an adopted cousin!

[Raven]

Add Red Dwarf and then count me in the brain damaged from british sitcoms too !

[ArcticStones]

Quote: Originally Posted by Raven ...count me in the brain damaged from british sitcoms too !

To recycle another joke:
"I would rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."

[Photek]

Raven & Stones... (and anyone else outside the UK) .... have you seen 'Little Britain' or 'The League of Gentleman' yet?

They both have me in stitches, but I am not sure if they have made it out of the country yet.. I know 'The Office' has made it to America, but I never found that amazingly funny.

[ArcticStones]

.
Remember Monty Python and John Cleese’s "Research into human gaits" or whatever it was called? Brilliant!

And their classic joke:
"Why is American beer a lot like making love in a canoe?
They’re both f***ing close to water."

Um... hope that doesn’t breach the self-censorship rules of the Forum.

But anyways, check this out! http://www.holylemon.com/CrazyDancing.html The last one on stage is a true talent!!

[Raven]

Haven't heard of either of those series... But Monthy Python has been around the world a few times... Even people who've never seen one of the movies knows who they are...