Post your fav Joke - Page 33

johngpt · 11-26-2009, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by novascotian


	"repaint and thin no more!".

groan!!!!!

aehurst · 11-26-2009, 04:11 PM

Being Turkey Day and all here in the States, we would be amiss to let this day pass without one Thanksgiving Day story.

The Grandmother was having the extended family over for Thanksgiving Day turkey, dressing and all the trimmings. As always, it was a family affair with each family contributing to the feast.

Grandmother's not so favorite daughter-in-law had agreed to bring the turkey and cook it at the gathering. Always one for a little fun, Grandmother waited for the opportune moment and slipped a small Cornish game hen inside the large turkey.

When the fully cooked turkey was brought to the table for carving, Grandmother just happens to notice something strange. Upon closer inspection by all, she assured her not so favorite daughter-in-law that she had just cooked a pregnant turkey! Didn't she know to check for that?

Took two hours to calm down the daughter-in-law and to convince her that turkeys lay eggs, just like chickens. Of course she was a blonde.

fazstp · 11-26-2009, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aehurst


	Upon closer inspection by all, she assured her not so favorite daughter-in-law that she had just cooked a pregnant turkey!

Sounds like the sort of hazing they give the new apprentice. This factory I used to work at they would get anyone new to go and ask maintenance for a long weight. Maintenance would then get them to stand somewhere for a long wait

.

warragul · 11-26-2009, 06:43 PM

Long waits, striped paint, left-handed screwdrivers... those were the days.

ArcticStones · 12-01-2009, 04:33 PM

.
Read elsewhere:

"When I went to Germany in the 1980s and we were driving on the autobahn, I was convinced that we were traveling in a big circle, because every exit to the right seemed to have a sign indicating the town of Ausfahrt..."
.

johngpt · 12-01-2009, 10:00 PM

:d :d :d :d

cradom · 12-01-2009, 10:24 PM

I just looked that up...kinda like the miles long "Frontage road" here in the states.
Wonder what foreigners think of that one.

Woodsman · 12-02-2009, 04:10 AM

Most ethnic jokes are about stupidity. The big exception is Finnish jokes.

Favourite son Pekka is coming home from the Winter War, and the town's girl reporter is sent to interview him.

"Well, Pekka, what was the first thing you did when you got home from the war?" she asks.

"I ****ed my wife", he replies.

Flustered, she asks, "So what did you do after that?"

"I ****ed my wife again", he says.

She decides to regain control. "All right, Pekka; after you had quite, quite finished saying hello to your wife, what did you do then?"

"I put down my rifle and took off my skis."

ArcticStones · 12-02-2009, 05:10 AM

.
During the war, Pekka and Toivonnen were stationed in England. They spent one of their leaves partying in London. It was a long night of hard drinking, and unseen by the bartender, they fell asleep under a table in a dark corner.

This was during the blitzkrieg, and that night the German bombers really ravaged London. Toivonnen was the first to wake up, many hours later. He looks around and sees a hellish scene of broken glasses and bottles and splintered furniture. He looks out through the broken windowpanes and sees utter chaos up and down the street.

“Pekka, Pekka! You have to wake up. We must leave. You and I can never afford to pay the bill for this damage…”
.

warragul · 12-03-2009, 07:46 PM

Australian farmers are known as "cockies" since their activities resemble a cockatoo scratching a living from the soil.
One cockie won a fortune in the lottery. His neighbors were scandalized when he sold up and left for the bright lights of the city. "With that much money," they said, "He could have kept farming for years."

Jay Carr · 12-03-2009, 11:29 PM

@woodsman -- oh that one had me rolling for a minute or so...

. It's been a long day...always nice to have a good joke.

fazstp · 12-04-2009, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by warragul


	Australian farmers are known as "cockies" since their activities resemble a cockatoo scratching a living from the soil.

Fair suck of the sav, it's dry as a dead dingo's donger out there.

ArcticStones · 12-06-2009, 05:26 AM

.
An American decided to write a book About famous churches around the world... So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North, then into Canada and on to the rest of the world.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line To heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , Australia . In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US 10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to New Zealand to see if Kiwis had the same phone.

He arrived at Sunny Nelson in N.Z. and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign...

"Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in New Zealand now, son – it's a local call."
.

ArcticStones · 12-26-2009, 06:52 AM

.
“I’m worried that unless we implement rigid protocols to maximise client gratification within acceptable cost/benefit parameter to ensure enhanced margins, then we’re in danger of missing the point of what Christmas is all about.”
.

Woodsman · 12-26-2009, 12:33 PM

I've heard this one told about a priest, a rabbi and an imam; I don't know where it started (though my money is on the rabbi), so let's just say that it concerns a Community Religious Leader (CRL) who is asked to explain the morals of his faith. Someone mentions dancing, and the CRL says, "Oh no, that's right out, an abomination in the eyes of God".

The CRL is called out for being repressed and anti-sexual, but responds with incomprehension:

"Good gracious no, we're all for sex, within the bounds of marriage. God wants us to have fun in bed."

"Can we do it any way we like, for example cowgirl?"

"Oh yes, that's fine, go right ahead."

"How about doggy-style?"

"Certainly, be my guest."

"How about tied up and covered in chocolate?"

"Sure, no problem."

"How about standing up?"

"NO!!!" shrieks the CRL, "That leads to dancing!"

johngpt · 12-26-2009, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArcticStones


	. “I’m worried that unless we implement rigid protocols to maximise client gratification within acceptable cost/benefit parameter to ensure enhanced margins, then we’re in danger of missing the point of what Christmas is all about.” .

Thank you ArcticStones!

As my dad would say, "Keep the X in Xmas!"

johngpt · 08-22-2010, 10:26 PM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Yemen.

I told them I was thinking of suicide.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

johngpt · 08-22-2010, 10:38 PM

A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent, as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska . The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us." Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any
land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badges! Show him your badges!"

freelunch · 08-23-2010, 05:52 AM

The top ten one-liners from this year's Edinburgh Festival (though not necessarily in the order I'd have 'em):

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

renaultssoftware · 08-23-2010, 07:52 AM

Brad Stine: "A gay marriage… is a guy… marrying a guy……… cowards!"

11-26-2009, 04:11 PM	#642
aehurst MVP Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Sherwood, Arkansas, USA Posts: 1,320	Being Turkey Day and all here in the States, we would be amiss to let this day pass without one Thanksgiving Day story. The Grandmother was having the extended family over for Thanksgiving Day turkey, dressing and all the trimmings. As always, it was a family affair with each family contributing to the feast. Grandmother's not so favorite daughter-in-law had agreed to bring the turkey and cook it at the gathering. Always one for a little fun, Grandmother waited for the opportune moment and slipped a small Cornish game hen inside the large turkey. When the fully cooked turkey was brought to the table for carving, Grandmother just happens to notice something strange. Upon closer inspection by all, she assured her not so favorite daughter-in-law that she had just cooked a pregnant turkey! Didn't she know to check for that? Took two hours to calm down the daughter-in-law and to convince her that turkeys lay eggs, just like chickens. Of course she was a blonde. __________________ iMac, 2.66 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo, 4GB

11-26-2009, 06:43 PM	#644
warragul All Star Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 869	Long waits, striped paint, left-handed screwdrivers... those were the days. __________________ warragul - The Real World is a Special Case.

12-01-2009, 04:33 PM	#645
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	. Read elsewhere: "When I went to Germany in the 1980s and we were driving on the autobahn, I was convinced that we were traveling in a big circle, because every exit to the right seemed to have a sign indicating the town of Ausfahrt..." . __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak

12-01-2009, 10:00 PM	#646
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	:d :d :d :d __________________ John My Flickr

12-01-2009, 10:24 PM	#647
cradom Major Leaguer Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: south-east texas Posts: 282	I just looked that up...kinda like the miles long "Frontage road" here in the states. Wonder what foreigners think of that one. __________________ Craig 2009 21" iMac Core2Duo 16gb mem - 10.9.4 2010 13" Macbook 8gb mem - 10.9.4

12-02-2009, 04:10 AM	#648
Woodsman Major Leaguer Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Norway Posts: 486	Most ethnic jokes are about stupidity. The big exception is Finnish jokes. Favourite son Pekka is coming home from the Winter War, and the town's girl reporter is sent to interview him. "Well, Pekka, what was the first thing you did when you got home from the war?" she asks. "I **ed my wife", he replies. Flustered, she asks, "So what did you do after that?" "I **ed my wife again", he says. She decides to regain control. "All right, Pekka; after you had quite, quite finished saying hello to your wife, what did you do then?" "I put down my rifle and took off my skis." __________________ www.hugogrinebiter.com

12-02-2009, 05:10 AM	#649
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	Pekka and Toivonnen in London . During the war, Pekka and Toivonnen were stationed in England. They spent one of their leaves partying in London. It was a long night of hard drinking, and unseen by the bartender, they fell asleep under a table in a dark corner. This was during the blitzkrieg, and that night the German bombers really ravaged London. Toivonnen was the first to wake up, many hours later. He looks around and sees a hellish scene of broken glasses and bottles and splintered furniture. He looks out through the broken windowpanes and sees utter chaos up and down the street. “Pekka, Pekka! You have to wake up. We must leave. You and I can never afford to pay the bill for this damage…” . __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak

12-03-2009, 07:46 PM	#650
warragul All Star Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 869	Australian farmers are known as "cockies" since their activities resemble a cockatoo scratching a living from the soil. One cockie won a fortune in the lottery. His neighbors were scandalized when he sold up and left for the bright lights of the city. "With that much money," they said, "He could have kept farming for years." __________________ warragul - The Real World is a Special Case.

12-03-2009, 11:29 PM	#651
Jay Carr Hall of Famer Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Springfield, MO, USA Posts: 3,110	@woodsman -- oh that one had me rolling for a minute or so... . It's been a long day...always nice to have a good joke. __________________ ~ Long ago I was called Zalister, keep that in mind when reading responses to my old posts.

12-06-2009, 05:26 AM	#653
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	Tale of the Golden Telephones . An American decided to write a book About famous churches around the world... So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North, then into Canada and on to the rest of the world. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line To heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , Australia . In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US 10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, decided to travel to New Zealand to see if Kiwis had the same phone. He arrived at Sunny Nelson in N.Z. and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign... "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in New Zealand now, son – it's a local call." . __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak

12-26-2009, 06:52 AM	#654
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	. “I’m worried that unless we implement rigid protocols to maximise client gratification within acceptable cost/benefit parameter to ensure enhanced margins, then we’re in danger of missing the point of what Christmas is all about.” . __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak

12-26-2009, 12:33 PM	#655
Woodsman Major Leaguer Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Norway Posts: 486	I've heard this one told about a priest, a rabbi and an imam; I don't know where it started (though my money is on the rabbi), so let's just say that it concerns a Community Religious Leader (CRL) who is asked to explain the morals of his faith. Someone mentions dancing, and the CRL says, "Oh no, that's right out, an abomination in the eyes of God". The CRL is called out for being repressed and anti-sexual, but responds with incomprehension: "Good gracious no, we're all for sex, within the bounds of marriage. God wants us to have fun in bed." "Can we do it any way we like, for example cowgirl?" "Oh yes, that's fine, go right ahead." "How about doggy-style?" "Certainly, be my guest." "How about tied up and covered in chocolate?" "Sure, no problem." "How about standing up?" "NO!!!" shrieks the CRL, "That leads to dancing!" __________________ www.hugogrinebiter.com

08-22-2010, 10:26 PM	#657
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Yemen. I told them I was thinking of suicide. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck... __________________ John My Flickr

08-22-2010, 10:38 PM	#658
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	Feds v rancher A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent, as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska . The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us." Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badges! Show him your badges!" __________________ John My Flickr

08-23-2010, 05:52 AM	#659
freelunch Triple-A Player Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 212	The top ten one-liners from this year's Edinburgh Festival (though not necessarily in the order I'd have 'em): 1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." 2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone." 3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them." 4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid." 5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog." 6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day." 7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names." 8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." 9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty." 10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

08-23-2010, 07:52 AM	#660
renaultssoftware MVP Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Pembroke, Ontario Posts: 2,051	Brad Stine: "A gay marriage… is a guy… marrying a guy……… cowards!" __________________ Get Icon Creator and support me.