Post your fav Joke

[stewiesno1]

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep! . It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some
miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on
the front door:

TO VISITORS WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

Stewie

[ArcticStones]

.
Found this while searching for other things:

"The Health Insurance Industry has concluded that the leading cause of death is birth. They are going to exclude all claims because Birth was a pre-existing condition."
.

[tw]

Quote: Originally Posted by ArcticStones . Found this while searching for other things: "The Health Insurance Industry has concluded that the leading cause of death is birth. They are going to exclude all claims because Birth was a pre-existing condition." .

lol - maybe this is the way for Obama to get around the whole health care debacle. rather than trying to institute national health care, he ought to just get the government to issue a warrantee with every social security number. service for problems or defective parts covered up to so many thousands of dollars; extended coverage for people who get regular checkups; doesn't apply to upgrades (new plastic parts, and etc); warrantee void if the machine is handled in dangerous and unapproved ways.

can I reframe things, or what?

[Jay Carr]

@tw -- Hrm, your analogy makes me want to make sure that all of my children are "manufactured" in Japan... I'm learning the language, maybe that can be arranged.

(Just to make this joke even worse, consider my last name... )

[tw]

Quote: Originally Posted by Jay Carr @tw -- Hrm, your analogy makes me want to make sure that all of my children are "manufactured" in Japan... I'm learning the language, maybe that can be arranged. (Just to make this joke even worse, consider my last name... )

lol... well, let me just give you a little fatherly advice. trying to set up an assembly line production system has obvious attractions, and is clearly more efficient, but it is bound to produce some unpleasant working environments down the road (particularly if the 'workers' start to unionize). best to stick with a small business model in this case.

[warragul]

Read Tom Lehrer's book, "Raising Children for Fun and Profit". *

Life, it is said, is a sexually-transmitted terminal disease.


* Title is joke - book does not actually exist.

[ArcticStones]

.
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it.

"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
.

[ArcticStones]

.
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
.

[johngpt]

These brought smiles on a chilly Sunday morning.

Thank you!

[reeserv]

Heard on the Radio.

I selected Windows 7 on my Sleep Number bed and now I have bugs and no support.

[fazstp]

Got this one in a spam but thought it was funny;

Christmas Dinner

[johngpt]

You're right. It's good.

The narrator sounds a lot like Walter Brennan. I don't think it was really him, but, there's a wonderful resemblance.

[ArcticStones]

.
Gaberlunzie -- (definition) A wandering beggar or a harmless hobo.

Girouettism -- (def.) Altering one's opinions to match public trends.

Labeorphilist -- (def.) A collector of beer bottles.

Latrinology -- (def.) The study of writings on restroom walls.

Lopadotemachoselachogaleokranioleipsanodrimhypotrimmatosilphioparaomelitokatakech -- (def.) A goulash composed of all the leftovers from the meals of the leftovers from the meals of the last two weeks.

Osmidrosiphobia - def.) A fear of body odour or sweat.

Xylopyrography -- (def.) The art of making patterns in wood using a hot poker.
.

[NovaScotian]

For those who are fans of quotes, try running this AppleScript:

-- Get a quote if possible
try
	tell application "http://boyzoid.com/comp/randomQuote.cfc"
		set aQuote to call soap {method name:"GetQuote", parameters:{HTMLFormat:false}}
	end tell
	set aList to |item| of aQuote
	repeat with anItem in aList
		if |key| of anItem is "AUTHOR" then
			set auth to value of anItem
		end if
		if |key| of anItem is "QUOTE" then
			set quot to value of anItem
		end if
	end repeat
	set ourQuote to quot & return & " -- " & auth
on error anError
	set ourQuote to false
end try
if ourQuote is not false then display dialog ourQuote

[aehurst]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.


p.s. Limit all politicians to two terms.... one in office and one in prison. Illinois already does this.

[Las_Vegas]

Three young ladies went into a cocktail lounge and sat side by side at the bar. The bartender approached them and said, "What can I get you ladies?"

The first, a brunette, said, "I'll have a G and T!"

The bartender replied, "Hmm… A Gin and Tonic! Okay."

The second lady, a red-head, said, "In that case, I'll have a TC!"

The bartender smiled and said, "Good! A Tequila Sunrise!" He then approached the third lady, a blond and asked, "And what can I get you?"

She responded, "Well… I think I'll have a Fifteen!"

The bartender thought and thought, then said, "I'm sorry… I don't know what a Fifteen is."

The blond lifted her hands in exasperation and sighed, "Duh… A Seven-Seven?"

[aehurst]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom Mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...
what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone, I'm married!!

[ArcticStones]

.
LOL. I’m burning the midnight oil, and that was just the chuckle I needed to keep me going.
.

[NovaScotian]

A house painter is cajoled by his minister to repaint the front of the church at a much reduced rate. Starting the job, he thinks to himself that the paint is pretty thick so he can certainly get away with a bit of thinner. As the job progresses, he realizes that even the thinned paint isn't going to finish the wall, so several times he adds a little more thinner to make the paint cover the area remaining.

As he finally finishes and stands back to admire his work, however, there is a great clap of thunder, a downpour of rain, and gusts of wind that completely wash all the new paint off the church. He is standing there in shock and awe when there is a second huge clap of thunder, several huge flashes of lightning, and then a deep voice intones: "Repaint and thin no more!".

[aehurst]

After 44 years of marriage, the wife promised to get the old man something special for Christmas this year.... a SUV. Right, socks, underwear and Viagra.