Post your fav Joke - Page 25

ArcticStones · 03-20-2008, 06:34 AM

.
Florida
Definition: "A state of electoral confusion"

ArcticStones · 03-20-2008, 06:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by setta


	I remember one man asked me what the shortest joke I know...

Schizophrenic... who? Us?!

johngpt · 03-20-2008, 08:07 AM

ArcticStones, my wife thinks your wife must be a saint.

specter · 03-24-2008, 03:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by johngpt


	ArcticStones, my wife thinks your wife must be a saint.

She really must be one! He spends too much time on the forums

ArcticStones · 03-24-2008, 03:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by johngpt


	ArcticStones, my wife thinks your wife must be a saint.

Hehe. I have many terms of endearment for her, but so far this isn’t one of them. Who knows whether your wife’s isn’t more descriptive...

And re your other post: we do have exchanges of opinion

ArcticStones · 03-27-2008, 07:04 PM

.
Son: Can I please have an encyclopaedia?
Dad: No, you can bloody well walk to school, like I had to when I was a kid.

johngpt · 03-28-2008, 12:01 AM

From my wonderful sister.

Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, We're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have
taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.'
'My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'This may very well be the
solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.'

johngpt · 03-28-2008, 12:03 AM

I should have waited until I read her next email. This one I liked so much more.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

specter · 03-28-2008, 07:43 AM

The one with the parrots was great!

Sorry to spoil the fun, but could you give me some explanations about the previous joke?
I don't fully understand it, because I think I don't know the meanings of "push" and "swing" in this context.
thanks

johngpt · 03-28-2008, 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by specter


	The one with the parrots was great! Sorry to spoil the fun, but could you give me some explanations about the previous joke? I don't fully understand it, because I think I don't know the meanings of "push" and "swing" in this context. thanks

Once upon a time...
When cars wouldn't start, we could push them, pop the clutch, and the engine would turn over. Later, even when cars wouldn't customarily do that, we might need a push, to get them off the road, or back onto the road, or you get the drift. "Needing a push" inferred that we needed help with the car.

Well, when we were kids, we needed help on the swing to get going.

Less confusing?

cwtnospam · 03-28-2008, 08:42 AM

Push can also refer to pushing a car to jump start it.

seeker777 · 03-28-2008, 12:09 PM

Specter-

The "push" is to "move" the car forward, usually when stuck.

And the "swing" is a child's playground ride, where a "push" can get them started.

johngpt · 03-28-2008, 02:42 PM

Seeker, you're brilliant!

seeker777 · 03-28-2008, 07:34 PM

John, I tried to show my wife what you wrote, but she insists I don't get your joke...

P.S. Both are good, but I really got a laugh out of the parrot joke. Thanks.

specter · 03-30-2008, 05:33 AM

Thanks for the input!

I knew that "push" has got the car-meaning, but my problem was the "swing". I thought this word also had some connection with cars.

Now everything is absolutely clear, thank you all!a

setta · 03-31-2008, 03:45 AM

I had the same misunderstanding as specter. Thanks everybody for the joke and for its explanation!

specter · 03-31-2008, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by setta


	I had the same misunderstanding as specter. Thanks everybody for the joke and for its explanation!

Glad to hear that I'm not the only one here with language problems

Felix_MC · 03-31-2008, 06:16 PM

Tech : Hi, Tech Support my I help you ?

Client : Yes my system can not read the CD I just put in.

Tech : Ok, I can help you, First I would like you to go to "My Computer"

Cleint : What’s your address.........

Felix_MC · 03-31-2008, 06:17 PM

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

johngpt · 04-01-2008, 11:57 PM

This one came from my wife, the RN. As you'll no doubt understand.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

‘Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... 

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

03-20-2008, 06:34 AM	#481
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	. Florida Definition: "A state of electoral confusion" __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak

03-20-2008, 08:07 AM	#483
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	ArcticStones, my wife thinks your wife must be a saint. __________________ John My Flickr

03-27-2008, 07:04 PM	#486
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	. Son: Can I please have an encyclopaedia? Dad: No, you can bloody well walk to school, like I had to when I was a kid. __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak Last edited by ArcticStones; 03-28-2008 at 04:05 PM.

03-28-2008, 12:01 AM	#487
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	From my wonderful sister. Parrots A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, We're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.' 'My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'This may very well be the solution.' The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.' __________________ John My Flickr

03-28-2008, 12:03 AM	#488
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	I should have waited until I read her next email. This one I liked so much more. A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk. __________________ John My Flickr

03-28-2008, 07:43 AM	#489
specter All Star Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 578	The one with the parrots was great! Sorry to spoil the fun, but could you give me some explanations about the previous joke? I don't fully understand it, because I think I don't know the meanings of "push" and "swing" in this context. thanks

03-28-2008, 08:42 AM	#491
cwtnospam League Commissioner Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 8,475	Push can also refer to pushing a car to jump start it.

03-28-2008, 12:09 PM	#492
seeker777 Triple-A Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Royal Oak, MI U.S.A. Posts: 201	Specter- The "push" is to "move" the car forward, usually when stuck. And the "swing" is a child's playground ride, where a "push" can get them started. Attached Thumbnails

03-28-2008, 02:42 PM	#493
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	Seeker, you're brilliant! __________________ John My Flickr

03-28-2008, 07:34 PM	#494
seeker777 Triple-A Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Royal Oak, MI U.S.A. Posts: 201	John, I tried to show my wife what you wrote, but she insists I don't get your joke... P.S. Both are good, but I really got a laugh out of the parrot joke. Thanks. Last edited by seeker777; 03-28-2008 at 07:36 PM.

03-30-2008, 05:33 AM	#495
specter All Star Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 578	Thanks for the input! I knew that "push" has got the car-meaning, but my problem was the "swing". I thought this word also had some connection with cars. Now everything is absolutely clear, thank you all!a

03-31-2008, 03:45 AM	#496
setta Triple-A Player Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 82	I had the same misunderstanding as specter. Thanks everybody for the joke and for its explanation!

03-31-2008, 06:16 PM	#498
Felix_MC All Star Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 891	Tech : Hi, Tech Support my I help you ? Client : Yes my system can not read the CD I just put in. Tech : Ok, I can help you, First I would like you to go to "My Computer" Cleint : What’s your address......... __________________ FelixMC.com MileaLabs Twitter Forrst

03-31-2008, 06:17 PM	#499
Felix_MC All Star Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 891	There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. __________________ FelixMC.com MileaLabs Twitter Forrst

04-01-2008, 11:57 PM	#500
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	This one came from my wife, the RN. As you'll no doubt understand. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ‘Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir!!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...  A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?' __________________ John My Flickr