Post your fav Joke

[ArcticStones]

Quote: Originally Posted by Felix_MC Albert Einstein... ...your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

That’s excellent, Felix!

[Felix_MC]

Thx Arctic
Glad people are enjoying my jokes, though I collect most of them from other websites

I think I post too much in this post though, so I'm going to lay low for a while on jokes, and let other people express their humoristic ideas (aka jokes )

Besides I have a four day weekend when I can finally play video games and go to the movie theatre and make out with my gf...- I meant watch educational movies with my feminine gendered friend

Heres a last joke for the weekend:

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[ArcticStones]

.
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.

He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with great amusement, before God finally turned to Eve and said, "Well, I guess you get to have the last thing I have left.

"And what would that be?" asked Eve.

"Ah, multiple orgasms!" said God.

[fazstp]

This isn't a joke but it's still funny in a "what the..." kind of way. I've included the link to the article I got it from but you need to subscribe to get the full article so it's mainly for reference.

Quote: 2 Terror in the skies One day in the early 1960s, 10 soldiers boarded a plane at Fort Hunter Liggett military base in California on what they thought was a routine training mission. The plane climbed into the clear blue sky, levelled out at around 5000 feet and cruised for a few minutes before suddenly lurching to one side as a propeller failed. The pilot struggled with the controls and yelled frantically into his headset. Finally, he made an announcement over the intercom: "We have an emergency. An engine has stalled and the landing gear is not functioning. I'm going to attempt to ditch in the ocean. Please prepare yourself." In such a situation, it would have been natural for the soldiers to feel fear or even terror. But there was no need. Though they didn't know it, they were in no danger. They were unwitting subjects in a study designed by the United States Army Leadership Human Research Unit near Monterey, California. Its purpose was to examine behavioural degradation under psychological stress - specifically, the stress of imminent death. Having created a fear-arousing situation, the researchers next introduced a task to measure the soldiers' performance under pressure. The task was something most people find difficult under normal circumstances: filling out insurance forms. A steward distributed the paperwork, explaining it as a bureaucratic necessity. If they were all going to die, the army wanted to make sure it was covered for the loss. Obediently, the soldiers leaned forward in their seats, pencils in hand, and set to work. They found the forms unexpectedly difficult to decipher, and quite likely they attributed this to the distraction of approaching death. In fact, the forms had deliberately been written in a confusing manner. They were, as the researchers put it, "an example of deliberately bad human engineering". Eventually the last soldier completed his form, and they all steeled themselves for the crash. At that point the pilot turned the plane around - "Just kidding about that emergency, folks!" - and landed safely at the airfield. Not surprisingly, anticipating a crash landing did interfere with the ability to accurately complete an insurance form. The soldiers in the plane made a significantly larger number of mistakes than did a control group on the ground who filled out the same paperwork ( Psychological Monographs: General and Applied, vol 76, p 1 ).

Top 10 Bizarre experiments

Article by Alex Boese, New Scientist 03 November 2007.

[ArcticStones]

.
We all know that it’s far easier to get laws enacted than to remove them from the books. Here are 10 of the most ridiculous laws in the United Queendom:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down.

3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned.

5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter.

6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen.

8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.

10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.



Isn’t it good to know that American lawmakers are far more sensible, right? Wrong!

- In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.

- Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

- In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed.

- It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama.



Other bizarre foreign laws worth noting if you’re travelling:

- In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm.

- A male physician in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror.

- In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

- In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits.

- In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon.
.

[johngpt]

Quote: "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?." HP executive to Steve Wozniak

Does this then make the ordinary, extraordinary?

[son_t]

Quote: Originally Posted by fazstp This isn't a joke but it's still funny in a "what the..." kind of way. I've included the link to the article I got it from but you need to subscribe to get the full article so it's mainly for reference. Top 10 Bizarre experiments Article by Alex Boese, New Scientist 03 November 2007.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/nov/01/research

Quote: A later attempt to repeat the experiment with a new group of unwitting volunteers was ruined by one of the previous soldiers, who had penned a warning on a sickbag.

A sick joke?

[specter]

These laws are absolutely ridiculous! Thanks, ArcticStones!!

[johngpt]

How many Microsoft Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?


None, they have declared darkness to be the new standard.

[johngpt]

How many macosxhints forum jokers does it take to change a light bulb?



1,024. One to tell the original joke, the rest to give some minor variation of it!

[Felix_MC]

Quote: How many macosxhints forum jokers does it take to change a light bulb? 1,024. One to tell the original joke, the rest to give some minor variation of it!

How will that change the lightbulb?

[Photek]

okay.... a few jokes from the great Jimmy Carr.....

"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEc3R6TXSVA


Stones..... genius! I knew 2 of those British laws.... and a few I didn't know about I now plan to exploit

[Felix_MC]

At school, to make sure everyone has a place to write down their homework, quizzes, parent-teacher notes, etc, the school provides everyone with an agenda made after the school's curriculum, with all the standardized test's dates in it, math formulas, and 'educational' stuff to fill in if you're bored. Anyways, at the bottom of each calendar page (which is supposedly one week of hw notes and stuff), theres a section called "Offbeat Oddity" with funny, weird stuff from around the world. Some of the laws posted earlier were also in my agenda, so I though I'd add more from what's in my agenda. t's not only laws, it's all kinds of stuff:

Historical Happenings:
The one Hundred Years' War actually lasted 116 years.
Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, was afraid of the dark.
Queen Elizabeth I of England bathed regularly- about four times a year!
During the California Gold Rush some people paid $100 for a glass of water.
A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 68 years!

Loony Laws:
In Denmark you can go to prison for wearing a mask.
In US, in the state of Alabama, bear wrestling matches are outlawed.
Pet tarantulas are illegal to sell in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
In US, in the state of Utah, it is illegal to cause a catastrophe.
In Brookfield, Wisconsin, it is illegal to use another person's phone to make a prank call.
In US, in the state of Washington, it's illegal to pretend one's parents are rich.
In Acworth, Georgia, all citizens must own a rake.
In Alberta, Canada, you can't hunt wildlife using a flashlight.
In Tennessee it is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso.
In West Virginia you CAN take your roadkill home for dinner.
In 2002 the Greek government passed a flawed law that accidentally banned all electronic games.

Wacky Words:
Pteronophobia- The fear of being tickled by feathers.
Apocolocynposis- The fear of turning into a pumpkin.
Arachibutyrophobia- The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Octophobia- Th fear of the number eight.

Strange Science:
Peanuts can be used as one of the ingredients in dynamite.
The continent of Antarctica is the only continent with no trees.
A lump of pure gold the size of your thumbnail can be flattered into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. (so be careful, when you commit a crime, don't let them have your tongue-print!)
Chewing gum while peeling onions will stop you from crying.

They are not all funny, must of them corny, but they are kinda interesting. Hope you liked them

[specter]

Quote: Chewing gum while peeling onions will stop you from crying.

Well, I was searching for this solution for years already!!
I will try this tonight, because we're gonna have a "weekend dinner" at home with my GF... And I'm, as always, get the dirtiest of all jobs - I peel onions!!!

[Felix_MC]

Quote: Originally Posted by specter And I'm, as always, get the dirtiest of all jobs - I peel onions!!!

I bet she gives you a reward afterwards

And a little joke:
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[iampete]

First, a disclaimer -

Political discussion is probably not appropriate here. But, given the sad state of the US political system, with very, very few exceptions, one could pretty much pick any two politicians at random, substitute the names, and with only minimal modifications to the text, the joke would still work. The names included here work well for me. (For the international audience, I would expect the same would apply to your politicians, as well.)


***********************************
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse
to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Senators Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton
before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Senators Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Teddy, "I don't know
why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images
and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."
Kennedy agreed--it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Ted's hand in
his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a
look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could
have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Teddy. "Amen" said Hillary.

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."

[J Christopher]

Quote: Originally Posted by iampete But, given the sad state of the US political system, with very, very few exceptions, one could pretty much pick any two politicians at random, substitute the names, and with only minimal modifications to the text, the joke would still work.

Your joke is not in the least bit realistic. Everybody knows that politicians don't take time out of their day to talk to someone who won't be alive to vote in the next election.

[cwtnospam]

Quote: Originally Posted by iampete The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Did Hillary or Ted give no-bid government contracts to Haliburton???

[specter]

Quote: Originally Posted by J Christopher Your joke is not in the least bit realistic. Everybody knows that politicians don't take time out of their day to talk to someone who won't be alive to vote in the next election.

Heh...
Sad Truth

[Felix_MC]

You people shouldn't be making jokes about our possible future president Clinton. Or his wife Hillary