Post your fav Joke - Page 14

ArcticStones · 09-17-2007, 07:37 AM

.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

ArcticStones · 09-17-2007, 07:49 AM

.
We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1degree Celsius.

Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g's) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised.

Allowing for the 1200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza, and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

If you adhere religiously to this pizza, beer, and ice cream diet, then you should be thin very soon.
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hayne · 09-17-2007, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArcticStones


	. Allowing for the 1200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5000 calories

The only problem with this calculation is that food "Calories" are actually kilo-calories ! So the food Calories in that dessert translate into 1,200,000 energy calories.
See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Food_energy

I guess that is what makes your post funny (and hence appropriate for this thread).

cwtnospam · 09-17-2007, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hayne


	The only problem with this calculation is that food "Calories" are actually kilo-calories !

That, and the fact that those calories are then absorbed back by the body as the digestion process continues.

ArcticStones · 09-17-2007, 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hayne


	I guess that is what makes your post funny (and hence appropriate for this thread).

Yeah, well, when I first read this bit of surrealism it really had me chuckling. Thanks for the Wikipedia quote, but I was surprised I sparked a debate about the diet’s viability.

johngpt · 09-17-2007, 05:12 PM

Quote:


	This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

That's probably why beer drinkers in the U.S. are so much thinner than beer drinkers in Europe?

ArcticStones · 09-17-2007, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by johngpt


	That's probably why beer drinkers in the U.S. are so much thinner than beer drinkers in Europe?

Well, yes. But if the beer over yonder weren’t so chilled, drinking it would be a lot more like making love in a canoe.

cwtnospam · 09-17-2007, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArcticStones


	Well, yes. But if the beer over yonder weren’t so chilled, drinking it would be a lot more like making love in a canoe.

If the boat's a-rock'n, it's not necessarily because of the waves!

NovaScotian · 09-17-2007, 06:02 PM

Nothing wrong with making love in a canoe, and it's not tippy because you're on the bottom of the canoe.

ArcticStones · 09-17-2007, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NovaScotian


	Nothing wrong with making love in a canoe, and it's not tippy because you're on the bottom of the canoe.

It’s a reference to an old Monty Python joke...

johngpt · 09-17-2007, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArcticStones


	Well, yes. But if the beer over yonder weren’t so chilled, drinking it would be a lot more like making love in a canoe.

Proud of me? I had resisted referring to the old saw about f****** close to water.

Felix_MC · 09-17-2007, 09:04 PM

A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Felix_MC · 09-17-2007, 09:44 PM

I've also just received this one via email from a friend of mine

So Bill Gates dies and meets St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter says "Bill, you know, that was some dubious s**t you did down there on Earth with Microsoft, but it's just about counter-balanced by the good works that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation did, plus your old man, liberal that he is, put in a good word for you. So you could go either way, and we're going to let it be your call. You can go to either Heaven or Hell."

So Gates so, "Okay, but I can I see them both before I decide?"

"Sure!" says St. Peter. "But once you decide, it's for keeps. Let's start with Heaven".

So they go inside and Gates sees a bunch of folks lounging around, not doing much. You know, playing the occasional harp, snoozing on a cloud, reading books, that sort of thing.

Bill decides that's not his scene, so he asks to see Hell.

He knocks on the Gates of Hell and Lucifer immediately shows him in. Hell is a *MUCH* more swinging place than Heaven. Lots of video games, 72 virgins, champagne flowing freely, and not a Mac or a Linux box to be seen.

Gates is sold and goes back to tell St. Peter the bad news. *POOF*! He's back at the Gates of Hell and no sooner can he look up but seven demons grab him, drag him inside, and throw him head first into a pit of burning, stinking brimstone.

Scrambling back out, Gates demands to see Lucifer. "But, but, but," he coughs and stammers, this is *NOTHING* like what you showed me earlier!"

Lucifer replies "Oh, that. That was our demo."

NovaScotian · 09-19-2007, 09:59 AM

Asked to punctuate the sentence: "A woman without her man is nothing".

Men say: "A woman, without her man, is nothing".

Women say: "A woman: without her, man is nothing".

johngpt · 09-19-2007, 11:27 PM

From my great sister today:

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have gone something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"

roncross@cox.net · 09-20-2007, 02:07 AM

Knock knock

ArcticStones · 09-20-2007, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by johngpt


	If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have gone something like this:

That’s great! I’ve read it before and it still makes me chuckle every time.

tlarkin · 09-20-2007, 11:33 PM

I just heard this one the other day...

So, a finely dressed classy woman walks into a pharmacy, and walks right up the pharmacist. She looks at him and he looks up at her and asks if he can help her.

she says, "Yes, I need to buy some cyanide from you"

"Cyanide? What on earth would you need that for," he replied.

She responded, "I need it to poison my husband and kill him."

The pharmacist responded, "Are you crazy? Do you know how much trouble we would both get in? It would be traced back to me and we would both go to jail for a long time. There is no way in hell I am giving you cyanide!"

She promptly pulls out a photo of her husband and his wife in bed and shows it to him. he looks at the photo and responds, "Oh you didn't say you had a prescription."

johngpt · 09-21-2007, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roncross@cox.net


	Knock knock

Ron, were you waiting for one of us to say:

Who's there?

roncross@cox.net · 09-21-2007, 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by johngpt


	Ron, were you waiting for one of us to say: Who's there?

Yes,

Nobody

09-17-2007, 07:37 AM	#261
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak

09-17-2007, 07:49 AM	#262
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	The patented Chill-Out Diet . We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1degree Celsius. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g's) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised. Allowing for the 1200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer. Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza, and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. If you adhere religiously to this pizza, beer, and ice cream diet, then you should be thin very soon. . __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak

09-17-2007, 06:02 PM	#269
NovaScotian League Commissioner Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Halifax, Canada Posts: 5,156	Nothing wrong with making love in a canoe, and it's not tippy because you're on the bottom of the canoe. __________________ 17" MBP, OS X; 27" iMac, both OS X 10.10.x (latest)

09-19-2007, 09:59 AM	#274
NovaScotian League Commissioner Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Halifax, Canada Posts: 5,156	Women punctuate differently than men Asked to punctuate the sentence: "A woman without her man is nothing". Men say: "A woman, without her man, is nothing". Women say: "A woman: without her, man is nothing". __________________ 17" MBP, OS X; 27" iMac, both OS X 10.10.x (latest)

09-19-2007, 11:27 PM	#275
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	Who's on First From my great sister today: If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have gone something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! A few days later: ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START" __________________ John My Flickr

09-17-2007, 09:04 PM	#272
Felix_MC All Star Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 891	A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system... • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. • BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. • Close your eyes and press escape three times. • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) • Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. • Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" • Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

09-17-2007, 09:44 PM	#273
Felix_MC All Star Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 891	I've also just received this one via email from a friend of mine So Bill Gates dies and meets St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter says "Bill, you know, that was some dubious s*t you did down there on Earth with Microsoft, but it's just about counter-balanced by the good works that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation did, plus your old man, liberal that he is, put in a good word for you. So you could go either way, and we're going to let it be your call. You can go to either Heaven or Hell." So Gates so, "Okay, but I can I see them both before I decide?" "Sure!" says St. Peter. "But once you decide, it's for keeps. Let's start with Heaven". So they go inside and Gates sees a bunch of folks lounging around, not doing much. You know, playing the occasional harp, snoozing on a cloud, reading books, that sort of thing. Bill decides that's not his scene, so he asks to see Hell. He knocks on the Gates of Hell and Lucifer immediately shows him in. Hell is a MUCH* more swinging place than Heaven. Lots of video games, 72 virgins, champagne flowing freely, and not a Mac or a Linux box to be seen. Gates is sold and goes back to tell St. Peter the bad news. POOF! He's back at the Gates of Hell and no sooner can he look up but seven demons grab him, drag him inside, and throw him head first into a pit of burning, stinking brimstone. Scrambling back out, Gates demands to see Lucifer. "But, but, but," he coughs and stammers, this is NOTHING like what you showed me earlier!" Lucifer replies "Oh, that. That was our demo."

09-20-2007, 02:07 AM	#276
roncross@cox.net MVP Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 1,764	Knock knock __________________ with warm regards Ronald Cross

09-20-2007, 11:33 PM	#278
tlarkin League Commissioner Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Bay Area, CA Posts: 11,352	I just heard this one the other day... So, a finely dressed classy woman walks into a pharmacy, and walks right up the pharmacist. She looks at him and he looks up at her and asks if he can help her. she says, "Yes, I need to buy some cyanide from you" "Cyanide? What on earth would you need that for," he replied. She responded, "I need it to poison my husband and kill him." The pharmacist responded, "Are you crazy? Do you know how much trouble we would both get in? It would be traced back to me and we would both go to jail for a long time. There is no way in hell I am giving you cyanide!" She promptly pulls out a photo of her husband and his wife in bed and shows it to him. he looks at the photo and responds, "Oh you didn't say you had a prescription."