Post your fav Joke

[johngpt]

Quote: Presumably you meant paraplegic, not paralytic. One is ever do slightly less permanent than the other..... :-)

A pair of plegics walk into this bar...

No, wait, they can't walk.

[Photek]

okay....... topical joke if you listen to the news.


David Becham and Victoria are being taken home by a London cabby after a night out.

The cabby leans over and asks David if he has been any where nice tonight..

"Yeh" says David in his high pitch voice,
"Where did you go" asks the cabby?"
A blank expression comes over his face ....."O" says David.... " whats the name of that Tube station?"
"Euston?" says the cabby
"nah" says David shaking his head..
"Kings Cross?"
"nahh, not that one" says David
"Victoria?"

"YEH, thats it....." says David......... "Victoria..... what was the name of the resteraunt we went to?"





for those of you who dont know or dont care, English, national hero footballer David Beckham is giving up football to go play soccer in LA for around £1Million a game. Nice work if you can get it!

[ArcticStones]

.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me!"

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, and then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[ArcticStones]

.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[ArcticStones]

.
My wife and I had words -- but I didn’t get to use mine.

[ArcticStones]

.
Technology for country folk

Log on: Making a wood stove hotter
Log off: Don't add no more wood
Monitor: Keeping an eye on the wood stove
Download: Getting the firewood off the truck
Megaherz: When you’re not careful getting the firewood
Floppy Disk: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
RAM: That thing what splits the firewood
Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter time
Prompt: What the mail ain't in the wintertime
Windows: What to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: What to shut when it's black fly season
Byte: What the flies do
Chip: Munchies for the TV
Micro chip: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: What you did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: Where the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: Where you hang the truck keys
Software: Them plastic forks and knives
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk for the mouse hole
Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof
Enter: Northerner talk for "c'mon in, y'all"
Random Access Memory: When you can't remember what you paid for the rifle

[ArcticStones]

.
"If you worked in Microsoft R&D, and someone asked you
what you did for a living, could you tell them without blushing?"

[ArcticStones]

.
Nokia is now introducing a special mobile phone for fat Americans and Europeans.

... it’s call Cellulite

[fazstp]

I guess that explains the Motoroller...

[roadkill]

a short red-haired man walks into a mall and finds the first person he meets and says, "hey, I think I can whoop you. I'm the toughest, meanest, ornriest fightenest fella in the world. and I'm adding you to my list of people I can whip. If you don't want me to whoop you right now, give me your name." So the poor fellow that was accosted backed down and gave him his name. This went on for a little while and he met a big, big guy and said the same thing. The big guy said my name's John. As the little fella walked away, John hollers, "hey, I don't think you can whoooop mee!" The little fellow says I'll take your name off the list.

[Photek]

a naked man ran down the street towards 3 nuns...

2 of the nuns had a stroke....

the other would have... but she couldn't reach

[ArcticStones]

.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?!? "

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[Photek]

not a joke... and not new.... but funny all the same!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcJfY3e6E6w

[ArcticStones]

.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said:

"Sir, the answer to that question is so glaringly simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[Photek]

not really a joke.... but try and say this fast without swearing..

'I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant pluckers son.... I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes'

[ArcticStones]

.
A young woman was pulled over in Austin , Texas for speeding. As the State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.”

He replied, “Texas State Troopers don't have balls.”

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

[specter]

Lets face it - English is a terrible language!!

There is no egg in the eggplant,
no ham in the hamburger and
neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
where a house can burn up as it burns down
and in which you fill in a form by filling it out.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why when the stars are out they are visible,
but when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
but when I wind up this story it ends?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are wise men and wise guys opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars
in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet
paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

[specter]

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up
speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass
drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
1 After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
23) And in the big scheme of things, a minute is rather minute!

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a
slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

[specter]

And the last one of the funniest:

Very interseting
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in what order the ltteers in a wrod are, the only improetnt tihng
is that frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but
the wrod as a wlohe.

[johngpt]

specter hath wrought the specter of much introspection.