Post your fav Joke - Page 10

NovaScotian · 09-26-2006, 07:56 PM

There's a really neat book by Lynne Truss called "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" that purports to be about punctuation (and is) but it's full of such quotes.

NovaScotian · 09-26-2006, 08:00 PM

I've attached a Dilbert cartoon from some time ago that fits this thread to a tee, but don't know whether it's legit to copy a Dilbert 3-panel cartoon to this forum. If not, please can it.

CAlvarez · 09-27-2006, 02:47 PM

Reminds me of the one where they sent the PHB looking for his "token" as it had fallen out of his token ring network cable.

NovaScotian · 09-27-2006, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CAlvarez


	Reminds me of the one where they sent the PHB looking for his "token" as it had fallen out of his token ring network cable.

Haven't thought about token rings for a long time - in a university setting, they were the ultimate curse - spent all your time groping around in engineering labs and among workstations looking for the idiot who had broken the ring. TCP/IP was a huge breath of fresh air in that environment - stick some routers on the backbone and have control of a tree structure - wonderful.

fjorddragon · 09-29-2006, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NovaScotian


	There's a really neat book by Lynne Truss called "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" that purports to be about punctuation (and is) but it's full of such quotes.

A really great book! I received it as a gift several years ago, but I still take it down from the shelf every now and then and read.

ArcticStones · 10-08-2006, 03:38 PM

.
With permission of the author, I bring you the musings of good friend of mine. Needless to say, he is English.

Cricket is a game for Gentlemen. The same cannot be said about golf, which is obviously designed to appeal to bloodthirsty perverts with no sense of shame or common decency.

Just consider the recent Ryder Cup tournament… Knowing little about the game, I settled down to learn more from TV reports. I became more and more horrified as I listened carefully to the commentaries.

We were told that:

The two teams were “paired off” and the pairs were said to be very happy to be playing with each other…

They spent some time in the clubhouse discussing their shafts, heads and balls before proceeding to the course to find out which of the pair would be most successful in putting his balls into green holes (the mind boggles).

Several of the players evidently got mud on their balls when executing the last named.

One player was heard congratulating his “partner” for having “creamed his balls at two holes”.

Several players, not content with playing with their balls, actually made green bogies and proceed to hit these with a club or piece of iron… (I fail to see the entertainment value in this activity.)

A number of players were congratulated on having an excellent “moment of inertia” in their shafts prior to swinging their shaft-heads at their balls… (this presumably to allow the equally perverted watchers time to take in the whole sorry spectacle.)

One player admitted to making a “condom shot”, saying “it doesn’t feel good, but it’s safe”

Several players admitted to using belly putters to put their balls into the green holes….

Again, several players were so enthusiastic about putting their balls into these (disgusting thought) green holes, that their balls actually “banged the back of the hole”, according to one commentator…

On arriving at what was described as the longest (?) hole, one or two players were heard to say that it was time to “let the big dog out”. (The reason for this will become apparent later…)

Some players were so lazy that they let their drivers carry their balls a fair way until they themselves put them into the green holes. (That this is physically possible is beyond the scope of my imagination.)

An American player was heard to comment that he “really laid the sod on the thirteenth”.

An Irish player seemed happy to announce to the world that he had “stiffed it” before putting his balls into the green hole. (Not only highly exhibitionist, also a perversion of the language. The word is “stiffened”!)

* * *

Not content with performing these sexual excesses in front of a crowd of onlookers – many of whom were CHILDREN – the participants also indulged in blood sports of the worst kind…

The vast majority of these so-called sportsmen were gleefully happy at having shot birdies at a number of the green holes, some even shooting eagles, double-eagles (obviously a mating pair) and two of them even shot albatrosses! The last two species are on the list of protected birds – and this went on uninterrupted even though the TV cameras were present throughout.

* * *

Knowing you, dear reader, to be a person of great sensitivity and moral upstanding, I have no hesitation in asking you to join me in my efforts to consign this disgusting pastime to the history books where it belongs…

Kindest regards,
Mike E. Webb
.

Jay Carr · 10-08-2006, 03:46 PM

Don't think I've ever heard golf described that way...

Spongy · 10-13-2006, 08:25 PM

Picture the scene - its a cold winters day, Christmas Day to be exact. Its snowing and in a large back garden there are two snowmen... One turns round to the other, *sniffs* and says, 'can you smell carrots?'

laughed for hours...!!

Paul Hibbert · 10-23-2006, 11:46 AM

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

ArcticStones · 10-25-2006, 07:14 AM

.
Some of the best jokes are from real life.

It is told that the Shakespearean actor, Sir John Gielgud, came onto the stage and delivered his line perfectly: “Oh sweet memories of love, how they enchant me.” Whereupon he took a deep whiff of his fingers – and the audience burst out laughing.

Unlike the other performances of the play in question, young Gielgud had forgotten the rose...

Paul Hibbert · 10-25-2006, 07:29 AM

A man goes into a pet shop and says:

"I want to buy a wasp".

The man behind the counter says:

"This is a pet shop, we don't sell wasps"

The customer says:

"But you've got a good selection in the window"

ThreeBKK · 10-25-2006, 09:40 AM

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a hard drive?

You can de-frag the hard drive.

(modified from a similar light bulb joke)

johngpt · 10-29-2006, 12:21 AM

What do you call an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

ThreeBKK · 10-29-2006, 05:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArcticStones


	. Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: THAT’S NOT FUNNY !!! !!!

That's the third time this joke has been posted on this same thread.

johngpt · 10-29-2006, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThreeBKK


	That's the third time this joke has been posted on this same thread.

Third time's the charm!

Paul Hibbert · 10-30-2006, 04:13 AM

What about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

Photek · 10-30-2006, 04:59 AM

Quote:


	What about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

what about the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse?

ThreeBKK · 10-30-2006, 06:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Photek


	what about the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse?

Second time.

Photek · 10-30-2006, 08:38 AM

Quote:


	Second time.

Gaahhhh...

I am unfunny AND I repeat myself..... I gotta get some new material

johngpt · 10-30-2006, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThreeBKK


	Second time.

Our pastor said, "At your age John, you need to be thinking of the Here-After."

I said to him, "Whaddya mean? Every time I walk into a room, it's 'What am I here after?'"

09-26-2006, 07:56 PM	#181
NovaScotian League Commissioner Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Halifax, Canada Posts: 5,156	There's a really neat book by Lynne Truss called "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" that purports to be about punctuation (and is) but it's full of such quotes. __________________ 17" MBP, OS X; 27" iMac, both OS X 10.10.x (latest)

09-26-2006, 08:00 PM	#182
NovaScotian League Commissioner Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Halifax, Canada Posts: 5,156	Question to the mods I've attached a Dilbert cartoon from some time ago that fits this thread to a tee, but don't know whether it's legit to copy a Dilbert 3-panel cartoon to this forum. If not, please can it. Attached Thumbnails __________________ 17" MBP, OS X; 27" iMac, both OS X 10.10.x (latest)

09-27-2006, 02:47 PM	#183
CAlvarez Hall of Famer Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 4,975	Reminds me of the one where they sent the PHB looking for his "token" as it had fallen out of his token ring network cable. __________________ -- Carlos Alvarez, Phoenix, AZ "MacBook Nano" (Lenovo S10) Atom 1.6/2GB/160GB Mac OS X 10.5.6 Gigabyte Quad Core 2.83GHz Hackintosh 4GB/500GB Mac OS X 10.6 MacBook Air 1.8/2GB/64GB SSD http://www.televolve.com

10-08-2006, 03:38 PM	#186
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	Golf should be abolished! . With permission of the author, I bring you the musings of good friend of mine. Needless to say, he is English. Cricket is a game for Gentlemen. The same cannot be said about golf, which is obviously designed to appeal to bloodthirsty perverts with no sense of shame or common decency. Just consider the recent Ryder Cup tournament… Knowing little about the game, I settled down to learn more from TV reports. I became more and more horrified as I listened carefully to the commentaries. We were told that: The two teams were “paired off” and the pairs were said to be very happy to be playing with each other… They spent some time in the clubhouse discussing their shafts, heads and balls before proceeding to the course to find out which of the pair would be most successful in putting his balls into green holes (the mind boggles). Several of the players evidently got mud on their balls when executing the last named. One player was heard congratulating his “partner” for having “creamed his balls at two holes”. Several players, not content with playing with their balls, actually made green bogies and proceed to hit these with a club or piece of iron… (I fail to see the entertainment value in this activity.) A number of players were congratulated on having an excellent “moment of inertia” in their shafts prior to swinging their shaft-heads at their balls… (this presumably to allow the equally perverted watchers time to take in the whole sorry spectacle.) One player admitted to making a “condom shot”, saying “it doesn’t feel good, but it’s safe” Several players admitted to using belly putters to put their balls into the green holes…. Again, several players were so enthusiastic about putting their balls into these (disgusting thought) green holes, that their balls actually “banged the back of the hole”, according to one commentator… On arriving at what was described as the longest (?) hole, one or two players were heard to say that it was time to “let the big dog out”. (The reason for this will become apparent later…) Some players were so lazy that they let their drivers carry their balls a fair way until they themselves put them into the green holes. (That this is physically possible is beyond the scope of my imagination.) An American player was heard to comment that he “really laid the sod on the thirteenth”. An Irish player seemed happy to announce to the world that he had “stiffed it” before putting his balls into the green hole. (Not only highly exhibitionist, also a perversion of the language. The word is “stiffened”!) * * * Not content with performing these sexual excesses in front of a crowd of onlookers – many of whom were CHILDREN – the participants also indulged in blood sports of the worst kind… The vast majority of these so-called sportsmen were gleefully happy at having shot birdies at a number of the green holes, some even shooting eagles, double-eagles (obviously a mating pair) and two of them even shot albatrosses! The last two species are on the list of protected birds – and this went on uninterrupted even though the TV cameras were present throughout. * * * Knowing you, dear reader, to be a person of great sensitivity and moral upstanding, I have no hesitation in asking you to join me in my efforts to consign this disgusting pastime to the history books where it belongs… Kindest regards, Mike E. Webb . __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak Last edited by ArcticStones; 10-08-2006 at 03:40 PM.

10-08-2006, 03:46 PM	#187
Jay Carr Hall of Famer Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Springfield, MO, USA Posts: 3,110	Don't think I've ever heard golf described that way... __________________ ~ Long ago I was called Zalister, keep that in mind when reading responses to my old posts.

10-13-2006, 08:25 PM	#188
Spongy Triple-A Player Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: London, UK Posts: 152	Picture the scene - its a cold winters day, Christmas Day to be exact. Its snowing and in a large back garden there are two snowmen... One turns round to the other, sniffs and says, 'can you smell carrots?' laughed for hours...!!

10-23-2006, 11:46 AM	#189
Paul Hibbert Prospect Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 15	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change. __________________ It's bad luck to be superstitious . . .

10-25-2006, 07:14 AM	#190
ArcticStones Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Posts: 3,152	Young Gielgud . Some of the best jokes are from real life. It is told that the Shakespearean actor, Sir John Gielgud, came onto the stage and delivered his line perfectly: “Oh sweet memories of love, how they enchant me.” Whereupon he took a deep whiff of his fingers – and the audience burst out laughing. Unlike the other performances of the play in question, young Gielgud had forgotten the rose... __________________ . "You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people. What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?" HP executive to Steve Wozniak

10-25-2006, 07:29 AM	#191
Paul Hibbert Prospect Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 15	The Wasp Joke A man goes into a pet shop and says: "I want to buy a wasp". The man behind the counter says: "This is a pet shop, we don't sell wasps" The customer says: "But you've got a good selection in the window" __________________ It's bad luck to be superstitious . . .

10-25-2006, 09:40 AM	#192
ThreeBKK MVP Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Bangkok Posts: 1,626	What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a hard drive? You can de-frag the hard drive. (modified from a similar light bulb joke) __________________ ➤ Think it's a good idea to put your most intimate data on someone else's server? Macmini5,2 ❖ 2.7 GHz Core i7 ❖ Snow Leopard ❖ Mtn Lion

10-29-2006, 12:21 AM	#193
johngpt MVP Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 1,093	What do you call an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog. __________________ John My Flickr

10-30-2006, 04:13 AM	#196
Paul Hibbert Prospect Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 15	What about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa. __________________ It's bad luck to be superstitious . . .