Better than a frontal lobotomy
 

And then there was the alcoholic who said:

"I would rather have a bottle in front of me
than a frontal lobotomy."

The Models
 

Three models are flying in a private jet to the Model Convention: Claudia Shiffer, Naomi Campbell, and Kate Moss. Suddenly, the pilot comes over the speaker and says "Prepare for a crash landing, we're losing power."
Immediately, Kate Moss reaches for her purse and pulls out her lip stick.
"What are you doing?!" Naomi screams. "We're going down, and you're applying lipstick?"
"Well, I figure they are going to look for the prettiest super model first."
Claudia then begins to adjust her bra and push her cleavage up.
"What are you doing?" Kate screams.
"You know they are going to look for the super model with the biggest boobs first."
The plane begins to rapidly loose altidude and with that, Naomi rips her mini skirt off.
"What the heck are you doing?" the other two yell out.
"Girl, you know they be looking for the black box first..."

I think this is getting just a little out of hand.

Okay, well how about another clean one...

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had just taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50. But with the Lab work and Cat scan...."

I went to the doctor and he said, "Rodney, I have some good news and some bad news."
I said, "Doc, I've had a tough day. Just give me the good news."
He said, "OK. They named a disease after you."

--Rodney Dangerfield

A modest religious joke
 

Many years ago, I heard a religious joke that has remained with me since. Whether to laugh or weep, I do not know, but it’s one of the best I have ever heard.

* * *

Early one morning, God and Satan were walking along a country road discussing theology. Actually, Satan was doing most of the talking. God had been through this many time, and so He didn’t really see any point in wasting his breath. In order to transmit the Teaching, the timing must right and the other must be receptive.

All of the sudden God rushed ahead. Something had caught his eye and he stooped low to pick it up from the dirt by the wayside. Huffing and puffing, not being nearly in such good shape, Satan finally caught up with Him. And there he saw God standing, holding something gently, like a fragile bird in His hands – but which was more radiant than the sun.

“What have you got there?”

God fixed his eye on him and said slowly: “This is Truth.”

“Here, b-b-boss, let me have that. And I-I-I’ll organise it for you!”

My wife says I always tell this one wrong, but here goes...

If a man is speaking in the forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong?

:D

That's funny!

.

Q: How many Zen Monks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - 1 to do it and 1 not to do it.

.

.

Q: How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one – if the light bulb is willing to change.


Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That’s not funny!

Wish it was a joke...
 

.

"The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed."

I've got two!

How do you make gold soup?

Add fourteen carrots!

--

This one I made up just after I read a recent announcement that Microsoft is developing now computers for automobile use (GPS, trip computer, etc)..

What happens when you install windows in a car?

You crash!

--- --- ---

I noticed the Craig's bat sense go up a few posts ago, and I agree..

The good humored jokes are interspersed with dirty jokes.. could we keep it clean and avoid offending others? We have a diverse group here, why spoil the thread?

It would be easier on the eyes..

:)

thanks

I like this one cause its clean and its the TRUTH.

One day, Satan walked up to Jesus and said "Hey Jesus, I bet I can use a computer fast than you"

Jesus said "We will have a contest to choose the winner. My Father will judge it."

God said "Whoever can do the most work in 10 minutes wins. GO!"

Immediatly Jesus and the Devil start working. They staring doing presentations and writing documents and surfin the web and all kinds of stuff. About 9 minutes in, there is a power lose and both computers shutdown. They reboot and they start working again. When the 10 minutes are up, God said "Jesus is the winner."

The devil starts throwing a fit. "Thats not fair! The power went out and all my work was lost!'

God said "Sorry Satan, but Jesus saves"

:)

You mean like this, Jacques?

I quite agree. Jokes are all good and fun, but some are in bad taste.

its official....... ArcticStones, has got the first prize for funniest joke so far!

Laugh? thats the funniest thing I have heard in years!


(and pantherman.. dont take it personally... if anyones got jokes about British pricks I would love to here them!!)

Well, my wife still thinks mine is funniest!

(not a joke)

That's not really odd at all. When you drive a blind friend up to the ATM, they can get their money out with telling you the PIN.

A great joke of a TV commercial!
 

.
This is one of the most hilarious commercials I have ever seen.
Just turn up your volume, sit back and enjoy.
And don’t get cramps in your grinning muscles!

Best regards,
ArcticStones


PS. I guarantee this won’t offend a soul. ;)
...on second thought, it does contain a euphemism.

And what about this group?
http://www.wctu.org/
:eek:

It offended me and I didn't even see the commercial.
I was offended since it needs to run a signed applet in order to show me the video. And I'm not about to run a signed applet from some random web site. When you accept to run a signed applet, you are saying that you trust the applet and thus allow it full privileges on your system - i.e. like running an application. Normal applets run under restrictions imposed by the Java "sandbox" that ensure that it can't affect your system, or even read data from your system. With signed applets, you are allowing these restrictions to be bypassed.
Just say no.