More jokes coming --- maybe
 

Ah, so you don’t like our jokes. ;)

Well, gave it my best shot – a sports jokes, a blonde joke and a tech joke. Debating whether to post my favourite religious joke (non-denominational, of course)... Or perhaps something political (non-American, guaranteed). :cool:

I think that I would agree with Photek simply due to lack of response!

I love TNG and hate Microsoft.
 

This never gets old. I hate Windows.

<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"

<Data, studying displays> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.

<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picard> "Identify."

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."

<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!"

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

<Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

This is great to.

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that."

The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."

A political joke
 

Good one, Pantherman! I have heard other variations, but yours is the best.
Well, here is my forewarned political joke:

* * *

“President Mitterrand has one hundred mistresses. One of them has AIDS, but he doesn’t know which one.

President Reagan has one hundred bodyguards. One of them is a terrorist, but the American president does not know which one.

President Gorbachov has one hundred economic advisors. One of them is wise – but to the country’s great misfortune, he doesn’t know which one.”

* * *

Best part is that this joke apparently was told at a press conference – by Mr Gorbachov himself! How is that for self-irony from a statesman?

:D

François Mitterrand actually did a lot better than that - he managed to have two families in parallel, took his daughter, Mazarine Pingeot, an extremely brilliant young woman, to travel with him while he was Président de la République and the whole clan seemed to get along rather well. When he revealed the whole story shortly before he died, beyond some slight criticism about the ressources spent to protect the whole thing at the expense of the taxpayer, it was perceived as just what it was, the private life of an extremely cultivated and seductive guy.

Politicians are very often very seducing personalities, that is part of the essential qualities to get the job.

Considering their private life private as long as it doesn't disturb their professional obligations sounds like a sensible attitude. Coming up with a Lewinsky-like story in France would not even raise an eyebrow, let alone caution the resulting craziness we have witnessed.

...and not to be off-topic, here's what happened the other day on IRC:

<smartypants>: For hot Sex press Alt + F4

Shortly after that, 23 chatters were mysteriously missing...

Some may think I am obssesed with Windows jokes. But the truth is, I can't get enough!

One day, God was looking down on earth and decided that he didn't like the way things were going and was going to end the world. So he called upon the 3 people who were most inclined to get the message to the rest of Mankind. The 3 people were Bill Clinton, President Gorbachov, and Bill Gates. He called upon them and told them the message and said they have to go down to earth and spred the word.

So Bill Clinton went to his staff and all his people and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is our belief in God has been justified, I met with him today. The bad news is He is going to end the world."

President Gorbachov went to his people and said "I have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is there is a God. The terrible news is He is going to end the world."

Bill Gates went to his people and said "I have good news and great news! The good news is there is a God, I met with Him today. The great news is he is going to end the world so we don't have to fix Windows 95!"

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Two guys are sitting next to each other on a plane to Pittsburg. One guy just wakes up, and notices the other guys face is badly bruised and he has a nose bleed. He feels his own face and notices the same thing. He askes the man what happened.

"It's kind of a funny story actually, you see I was standing in line waiting to get my tickets to Pittsburg, and I noticed the teller had giant boobs, I couldn't stop staring at them. When my turn finally came I had a little Fuedian slip and I said 'I need two pickets to TITSBURG!' the next thing I remember is a baseball bat... You don't look so hot yourself, whats your story?"

"Well actually it's a similar story. I got up this morning with an urge for Post Toasties. I really wanted them, while I showered and brushed my teeth it's all I could think about. When I finally got down to the kitchen my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast and I said "Bitch, you ruined my life."

Thats my favorite joke ever.

Here is the best clean joke ever.

A guy is in the shower when his doorbell rings, he runs out of the shower with shampoo in his eyes and answers the door, no one is there. He is so angry he punches the door and notices a snail on the ground. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

***

One year later same man gets a knock on the door. He answers the door and sees the snail on his doormat, it looks up at hime and says "What the heck was that all about?"

Who is dead?
 

In a public restroom, I noticed that someone had written:

“God is dead”
– Nietzsche

Just below was the response:

“Nietzsche is dead”
– God

An unsightly wart
 

One morning in front of the mirror, a college professor notices a wart on his nose. By the evening it’s grown larger, and the next morning even larger.

Fortunately it’s Friday by then and no one is there to notice his awful predicament. But to his horror the wart gradually takes the shape of a frog – and it even starts to make chirping and ribbit sounds. So by Sunday evening he is desperate, calls his physician at home and begs for an early Monday appointment.

He walks into the doctor’s office intent on explaining the situation.

Before he can utter a word, however, the frog bursts out: “Hey Doc, could you burn this wart off my ass?”

How can you tell when a teamster is dead? ?-The doughnut falls out of his mouth.

What was the last thing Jesus said to the Teamsters ? ?-"Don't do anything 'till I come back."

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? ?-"Do I look like a freakin' electrician?"

whats a teamster?

OKAY.....

Englishman, Irishman and an American stood on top of Canary Wharf (big building in the UK) The American says 'I bet you £100 I can jump off this building, fly around in mid air three times and come back.' "Your on" says the Irishman. As good as his word the American does jump off the building, fly around in mid air three times and then comes back.
CHRIST.... says the Irishman, thats amazing....... figuring its the air currents or something the Irishman decides to give it a go himself.... he jumps off the building a plumets to the ground and is instantly killed...
The Englishman say, for gods sake superman you can be a real b@st@rd sometimes! :D

(no irishmen were hurt in the making of this joke)

Ridicule of the handwriting recognition led to this joke which gave me a real chuckle:

"How many Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"Foux. There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup."

"Dem boys at BMW…"
 

In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Good morning' to yerz, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires he Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jeez", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

A lazy union member usually associated with truck drivers (among others) in the USA. Ever heard of Jimmy Hoffa? HE was the president of the Temaster's until the mafia buried him in a grave that still hasn't been found.

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?!

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A couple of quotes from one of my favorite comedians, Peter Kay: (available at Wikiquote )

"Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here""

"A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything""

"A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?""

"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

"A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.""

"A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.""

"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.""

-seagull

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. '-I know,-' he says, 'they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.' They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, '-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-'

At this the priest says, '-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-'

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says '-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-'