A couple years ago at work, a saying went around:

"If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"

One of our co-workers thought that was pretty funny, and at home told his sister, who sent this one back:

"If a woman speaks in the forest, and there's no man to hear her, does she still have to repeat herself?"

Here is my twist on this:

Q: "If a man alone in a boat speaks to the sea, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"

A: "Yes. And she also has good reason to be jealous."

Well-voiced letters of complaint
 

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Sometimes being a bureaucrat isn’t such a drab affair. These are supposed to be actual clips from complaint letters sent to Town Councils in England:

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat. Would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

I know this thread is essentially moribund, but I was flipping through this Larson Far Side calendar when I came across this one. It reminded me of all the "this guy walks into a bar" posts on this thread, so I had insert it.

A Man Walks into a bar . . .
 

A Man walks into a bar with a giraffe on a lead. The man buys a drink and the giraffe lays down at his feet. The barman looks over and says

"Sorry, mate, you can't leave that lyin' there."

The man says

"Its not a lion, its a giraffe."

(how bad are these going to get?)

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Hello?" "Hi honey... This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

(Brief Pause)

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do: Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."


A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool real hard"

(Another long pause)

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"

Worried blonde
 

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A young blonde came home from school and asked her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?”

“Yes, dear,” replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.

“But then when I have a baby,” the blonde asked with a worried expression on her face, “won’t it knock my teeth out?”

LOL, that reminded me of a Heineken commercial I saw a while ago. I tried to find it on GooTube, but it wasn't there.

Basically is was a guy behing a bar and a guy walks in carrying a duck, then a rabbi, a priest, and a blode, or something like that. It was a bunch of 'walks into a bar' jokes. Brilliant.


EDIT...HERE IT IS: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/65623/...ed_in_the_bar/

Three statisticians go into the woods hunting one morning. As the reach a clearing, they spot the biggest buck they've ever seen. They get quiet and kneel down in the brush.

The first hunter aims his rifle and takes a shot, missing just to the right.

The second hunter pulls up his Remington and misses just to the left as he unloads the chamber.

The third hunter throws down his rifle, tosses his hands into the air, and exclaims, "We got him!"

This one was voted world's funniest.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

http://www.laughlab.co.uk/summary.html

Before the good Samaritan
 

That reminds me:

Before the good Samaritan came along, two college-trained social workers walked along that same road. As they stopped to look at the severely beaten man lying in the ditch bleed, one turned the other and said:

“Wow! The guy who did this really needs some help.”

And they continued on their way...

Old but funny
 

got this in an email a few years ago, still makes me chuckle...

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given

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That is brilliant, Lenny!
Definitely one of the best jokes I’ve read in years.

:D

thanks to Jimmy Carr.


"Its wrong to throw acid........... in some people eyes"

"I was chucked out of the Scouts...............for eating a Brownie"

This being a Mac forum, I guess no one will mind me saying that when "Microsoft" "Windows" and "Innovation" are used in the same sentence, it's an automatic joke. ;)

Another one
 

Another ancient email (I should really think about shrinking this inbox hehe.)

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Richard Bannister, the emulation guru, has a ton of these funny threads on his website:
http://www.bannister.org/misc/humour/index.htm

"Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

Favourite joke?

Microsoft Windows

Heres a good example although it may be a bit exaggerated

http://wwnw.de/stonie/nonsense/ab_cos.shtml

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Its a one-liner but its still a joke.

So is this:

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Presumably you meant paraplegic, not paralytic. One is ever do slightly less permanent than the other..... :-)

I am an idiot; just realised you probably meant exactly what you typed. My bad.