Post your fav Joke
 

Inspired by the 'post a picture of yourself' post I figure why not inject a bit of humor into our lives with a few jokes!

I will kick it off with an oldie but a goldie!

Superman it bored out of his mind sat at home one afternoon, he calls spiderman to see if he wants to go out for a few beers but Spidie replies 'nah man I am sorting out my webs' He calls the Incredible Hulk, 'Hulk what you doing, do you want to come out for some beers and pull some women?' Hulk replies no, he's putting on his green body paint..... Superman gives up and fly's around the world a few time, all of a sudden, with his long range vision he spots wonderwoman...NAKED.. on a beach, he flies down (at lightspeed) and he is in and out in a millisecond. Wonderwoman shouts out 'What the hell was that?' and the invisible man says 'I don't know but my arse hurts!'

:D

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?

A: Hold it's trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun

yes, a child told me that :D

Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. The fish...

Did you hear the one about the Windows user who was so stupid the other Windows users noticed?

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A: To stomp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?

A: To stomp out flaming ducks.

o dear god, this is terrible......

lets try another

the seven dwarfs were in bed feeling happy, happy got out of bed so they felt grumpy!


or...

Q - how do elephants hide in cherry trees?

A - paint their balls red

Q - whats the loudest noise in the jungle?

A - Monkeys eating cherrys!

I heard this on the radio...it was voted the "best joke in history"

Q: What's brown and sticky

A: A stick

oooo let's see, favorite joke...

"Windows XP"

About exactly how much sense word-filters make:
From bash.org.

These two hydrogen atoms are walking into a bar, when one turns to the other and says, "Ah, damn, I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he says, "I'm positive."

Blonde joke with a twist
 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"

:D

Naaaah.... it's

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A: DUNG!

:rolleyes:

[i]A neutron walks into a bar and orders a pint.

"What's the charge?" it asks the barman.

"Charge? There's no charge," he replies.

[ii]A chicken walks into a library, and looks up at the librarian.

"What do you want?" the librarian asks. "Book book book book" the chicken says.

So the librarian gives the chicken some books and it goes away.

Next day, it comes back. Again it says "Book book book book", and the librarian gives it some more books, and it goes away. This goes on for some time until finally the librarian decides that he'd better follow the chicken and find out what's going on.

He follows the chicken across town, over the bridge, and deep, deep into the forest. In a clearing in the forest, he watches the chicken walk up to a pond. On a lily sits a frog. The chicken shows the frog the books, and to each book the frog goes "reddit reddit reddit reddit."

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

There were three engineers debating the nature of God: a structural engineer, an eletrical engineer, and a civil engineer. While the structural engineer spoke first, each was claiming that God was was an engineer of his own type.

"For verification of this just look at the human body! The skeletal structure is an amazing thing. It moves where it needs to and it is strong everywhere else. Not to mention that it provides shape and stability."

The electrical engineer spoke next.

"No, God is an electrical engineer because regardless of the structure, the body could not operate without the nervous system. This system has used electricity since the inception of life. God HAS to be an electrical engineer."

They both turned to the civil engineer to get his view on this topic. After thinking about the human body for a while, he replied, "You are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Another one of those...

An engineer, manager, and a programmer are in a car going down a steep mountain road. The brakes fail and the car careens down the road out of control. Halfway down, the driver manages to stop the car by sliding against the embankment, narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all get out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager says, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer says, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer says, "You're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

A duck walks into a Store, the clerk greets him and asks if there is anything that he can help him with. The duck blirts out "COOOOooorn" in a loud whiny voice. The clerks tells the duck that he is very sorry but they do not have any corn. The duck storms out of the store

The next day the duck walks into the same store and once again the clerk greets him. The duck juts out his beak and blirts out "CoooOOOOrn". The clerk is a little bemused by this and tells the duck that they do not have any corn. The duck stomps away.

On the next day the duck walks in and is not greeted by the clerk rather the clerk angrily states "Look mister, I have told you twice that we do not have any corn. If you come in here and ask for corn I will nail your beak to the wall. What do you need?" the duck replies with "NAAAAAAaaaaiiiils" The clerk is relieved but states " I'm sorry sir we do not have any nails. Anything else?" The duck shouts "CoooOOOOORn" :D

An inevitable conclusion
 

First, a few straightforward observations:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is: BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.

Which, of course, leads us to the inevitable conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

A story from Temptation Island
 

George was the only one who survived after the yacht sank. For months on end he was stranded on the seemingly deserted island, with no supplies, no spare Bermuda shorts, no cigarettes, nothing. One day he falls asleep on the beach and wakes up to a rhythmic sound that can’t quite place. A gorgeous woman rows up and pulls her boats ashore, while he just sits there dumbfounded. In utter disbelief he finally stutters: “How did you get here? F-f-from where?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island. That’s where I landed after my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing! Boy, you must have been lucky to have the row boat wash up with you.”

“No. I made it from some of the raw materials I found on this island. The stern and sides were carved of eucalyptus and the bottom woven from palm branches, while gum tree branches seemed best suited for the oars.”

“Without tools?!”

“Silly you, of course not. I found an unusual alluvial rock. When I fired it to just the right temperature in my kiln, it melted into workable iron. That’s how I made the tools.”

George was stunned and feeling more and more inept. Fortunately she broke the awkward silence with a gentle smile. “Come, let’s row on over to my place.”

As they neared the shore, his jaw dropped. From the land end of the hand-built pier, a stone path led up to a bungalow amongst the palm trees, not unlike what he’d seen in brochures for luxury Caribbean holidays. She leads the way into the house.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“Sorry, I don’t think I can take any more coconut juice today.”

Without a word, she hands him a glazed blue ceramic cup, filled with the most exquisite tropical juices. They take their time getting acquainted, trading stories. The high alcohol level is gradually giving him a pleasant buzz, almost making him forget time and place. This, of course, does not go unnoticed.

“Hmm, just wait here. I’ll be right back. I just need to slip into something more comfortable.”

When she comes back, she looks even more gorgeous. Her long, new-brushed hair now flows freely over her bare shoulder. She is almost naked except for the large flowers fastened with vines over her firm breasts and below her well-exercised tummy.

She holds out her hand and beckons him to come to her. “Look,” she whispers, combing her fingers slowly through the hair on his chest, “I realize from your story that you’ve had a really hard time, having been shipwrecked here nearly twice as long as me…”

She peers deeply into his eyes, obviously understanding, one hand resting on his thigh. “Tell me, you must have been very lonely. I’m sure there is something you have been longing to do all these months…” After a long pause she adds, “You’re welcome to do it right now.”

George is flabbergasted, not believing what he is hearing. He stammers, “Y-y-you mean I can check my e-mail from here?”

.

okay, its not scientific..... but it would appear that mac users don't have a sense of humor..... myself included :D

More jokes coming --- maybe
 

Ah, so you don’t like our jokes. ;)

Well, gave it my best shot – a sports jokes, a blonde joke and a tech joke. Debating whether to post my favourite religious joke (non-denominational, of course)... Or perhaps something political (non-American, guaranteed). :cool:

I think that I would agree with Photek simply due to lack of response!

I love TNG and hate Microsoft.
 

This never gets old. I hate Windows.

<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"

<Data, studying displays> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.

<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picard> "Identify."

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."

<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!"

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

<Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

This is great to.

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that."

The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."

A political joke
 

Good one, Pantherman! I have heard other variations, but yours is the best.
Well, here is my forewarned political joke:

* * *

“President Mitterrand has one hundred mistresses. One of them has AIDS, but he doesn’t know which one.

President Reagan has one hundred bodyguards. One of them is a terrorist, but the American president does not know which one.

President Gorbachov has one hundred economic advisors. One of them is wise – but to the country’s great misfortune, he doesn’t know which one.”

* * *

Best part is that this joke apparently was told at a press conference – by Mr Gorbachov himself! How is that for self-irony from a statesman?

:D

François Mitterrand actually did a lot better than that - he managed to have two families in parallel, took his daughter, Mazarine Pingeot, an extremely brilliant young woman, to travel with him while he was Président de la République and the whole clan seemed to get along rather well. When he revealed the whole story shortly before he died, beyond some slight criticism about the ressources spent to protect the whole thing at the expense of the taxpayer, it was perceived as just what it was, the private life of an extremely cultivated and seductive guy.

Politicians are very often very seducing personalities, that is part of the essential qualities to get the job.

Considering their private life private as long as it doesn't disturb their professional obligations sounds like a sensible attitude. Coming up with a Lewinsky-like story in France would not even raise an eyebrow, let alone caution the resulting craziness we have witnessed.

...and not to be off-topic, here's what happened the other day on IRC:

<smartypants>: For hot Sex press Alt + F4

Shortly after that, 23 chatters were mysteriously missing...

Some may think I am obssesed with Windows jokes. But the truth is, I can't get enough!

One day, God was looking down on earth and decided that he didn't like the way things were going and was going to end the world. So he called upon the 3 people who were most inclined to get the message to the rest of Mankind. The 3 people were Bill Clinton, President Gorbachov, and Bill Gates. He called upon them and told them the message and said they have to go down to earth and spred the word.

So Bill Clinton went to his staff and all his people and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is our belief in God has been justified, I met with him today. The bad news is He is going to end the world."

President Gorbachov went to his people and said "I have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is there is a God. The terrible news is He is going to end the world."

Bill Gates went to his people and said "I have good news and great news! The good news is there is a God, I met with Him today. The great news is he is going to end the world so we don't have to fix Windows 95!"

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Two guys are sitting next to each other on a plane to Pittsburg. One guy just wakes up, and notices the other guys face is badly bruised and he has a nose bleed. He feels his own face and notices the same thing. He askes the man what happened.

"It's kind of a funny story actually, you see I was standing in line waiting to get my tickets to Pittsburg, and I noticed the teller had giant boobs, I couldn't stop staring at them. When my turn finally came I had a little Fuedian slip and I said 'I need two pickets to TITSBURG!' the next thing I remember is a baseball bat... You don't look so hot yourself, whats your story?"

"Well actually it's a similar story. I got up this morning with an urge for Post Toasties. I really wanted them, while I showered and brushed my teeth it's all I could think about. When I finally got down to the kitchen my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast and I said "Bitch, you ruined my life."

Thats my favorite joke ever.

Here is the best clean joke ever.

A guy is in the shower when his doorbell rings, he runs out of the shower with shampoo in his eyes and answers the door, no one is there. He is so angry he punches the door and notices a snail on the ground. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

***

One year later same man gets a knock on the door. He answers the door and sees the snail on his doormat, it looks up at hime and says "What the heck was that all about?"

Who is dead?
 

In a public restroom, I noticed that someone had written:

“God is dead”
– Nietzsche

Just below was the response:

“Nietzsche is dead”
– God

An unsightly wart
 

One morning in front of the mirror, a college professor notices a wart on his nose. By the evening it’s grown larger, and the next morning even larger.

Fortunately it’s Friday by then and no one is there to notice his awful predicament. But to his horror the wart gradually takes the shape of a frog – and it even starts to make chirping and ribbit sounds. So by Sunday evening he is desperate, calls his physician at home and begs for an early Monday appointment.

He walks into the doctor’s office intent on explaining the situation.

Before he can utter a word, however, the frog bursts out: “Hey Doc, could you burn this wart off my ass?”

How can you tell when a teamster is dead? ?-The doughnut falls out of his mouth.

What was the last thing Jesus said to the Teamsters ? ?-"Don't do anything 'till I come back."

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? ?-"Do I look like a freakin' electrician?"

whats a teamster?

OKAY.....

Englishman, Irishman and an American stood on top of Canary Wharf (big building in the UK) The American says 'I bet you £100 I can jump off this building, fly around in mid air three times and come back.' "Your on" says the Irishman. As good as his word the American does jump off the building, fly around in mid air three times and then comes back.
CHRIST.... says the Irishman, thats amazing....... figuring its the air currents or something the Irishman decides to give it a go himself.... he jumps off the building a plumets to the ground and is instantly killed...
The Englishman say, for gods sake superman you can be a real b@st@rd sometimes! :D

(no irishmen were hurt in the making of this joke)

Ridicule of the handwriting recognition led to this joke which gave me a real chuckle:

"How many Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"Foux. There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup."

"Dem boys at BMW…"
 

In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Good morning' to yerz, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires he Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jeez", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

A lazy union member usually associated with truck drivers (among others) in the USA. Ever heard of Jimmy Hoffa? HE was the president of the Temaster's until the mafia buried him in a grave that still hasn't been found.

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?!

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A couple of quotes from one of my favorite comedians, Peter Kay: (available at Wikiquote )

"Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here""

"A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything""

"A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?""

"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

"A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.""

"A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.""

"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.""

-seagull

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. '-I know,-' he says, 'they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.' They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, '-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-'

At this the priest says, '-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-'

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says '-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-'

Better than a frontal lobotomy
 

And then there was the alcoholic who said:

"I would rather have a bottle in front of me
than a frontal lobotomy."

The Models
 

Three models are flying in a private jet to the Model Convention: Claudia Shiffer, Naomi Campbell, and Kate Moss. Suddenly, the pilot comes over the speaker and says "Prepare for a crash landing, we're losing power."
Immediately, Kate Moss reaches for her purse and pulls out her lip stick.
"What are you doing?!" Naomi screams. "We're going down, and you're applying lipstick?"
"Well, I figure they are going to look for the prettiest super model first."
Claudia then begins to adjust her bra and push her cleavage up.
"What are you doing?" Kate screams.
"You know they are going to look for the super model with the biggest boobs first."
The plane begins to rapidly loose altidude and with that, Naomi rips her mini skirt off.
"What the heck are you doing?" the other two yell out.
"Girl, you know they be looking for the black box first..."

I think this is getting just a little out of hand.

Okay, well how about another clean one...

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had just taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50. But with the Lab work and Cat scan...."

I went to the doctor and he said, "Rodney, I have some good news and some bad news."
I said, "Doc, I've had a tough day. Just give me the good news."
He said, "OK. They named a disease after you."

--Rodney Dangerfield

A modest religious joke
 

Many years ago, I heard a religious joke that has remained with me since. Whether to laugh or weep, I do not know, but it’s one of the best I have ever heard.

* * *

Early one morning, God and Satan were walking along a country road discussing theology. Actually, Satan was doing most of the talking. God had been through this many time, and so He didn’t really see any point in wasting his breath. In order to transmit the Teaching, the timing must right and the other must be receptive.

All of the sudden God rushed ahead. Something had caught his eye and he stooped low to pick it up from the dirt by the wayside. Huffing and puffing, not being nearly in such good shape, Satan finally caught up with Him. And there he saw God standing, holding something gently, like a fragile bird in His hands – but which was more radiant than the sun.

“What have you got there?”

God fixed his eye on him and said slowly: “This is Truth.”

“Here, b-b-boss, let me have that. And I-I-I’ll organise it for you!”

My wife says I always tell this one wrong, but here goes...

If a man is speaking in the forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong?

:D

That's funny!

.

Q: How many Zen Monks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - 1 to do it and 1 not to do it.

.

.

Q: How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one – if the light bulb is willing to change.


Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That’s not funny!

Wish it was a joke...
 

.

"The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed."

I've got two!

How do you make gold soup?

Add fourteen carrots!

--

This one I made up just after I read a recent announcement that Microsoft is developing now computers for automobile use (GPS, trip computer, etc)..

What happens when you install windows in a car?

You crash!

--- --- ---

I noticed the Craig's bat sense go up a few posts ago, and I agree..

The good humored jokes are interspersed with dirty jokes.. could we keep it clean and avoid offending others? We have a diverse group here, why spoil the thread?

It would be easier on the eyes..

:)

thanks

I like this one cause its clean and its the TRUTH.

One day, Satan walked up to Jesus and said "Hey Jesus, I bet I can use a computer fast than you"

Jesus said "We will have a contest to choose the winner. My Father will judge it."

God said "Whoever can do the most work in 10 minutes wins. GO!"

Immediatly Jesus and the Devil start working. They staring doing presentations and writing documents and surfin the web and all kinds of stuff. About 9 minutes in, there is a power lose and both computers shutdown. They reboot and they start working again. When the 10 minutes are up, God said "Jesus is the winner."

The devil starts throwing a fit. "Thats not fair! The power went out and all my work was lost!'

God said "Sorry Satan, but Jesus saves"

:)

You mean like this, Jacques?

I quite agree. Jokes are all good and fun, but some are in bad taste.

its official....... ArcticStones, has got the first prize for funniest joke so far!

Laugh? thats the funniest thing I have heard in years!


(and pantherman.. dont take it personally... if anyones got jokes about British pricks I would love to here them!!)

Well, my wife still thinks mine is funniest!

(not a joke)

That's not really odd at all. When you drive a blind friend up to the ATM, they can get their money out with telling you the PIN.

A great joke of a TV commercial!
 

.
This is one of the most hilarious commercials I have ever seen.
Just turn up your volume, sit back and enjoy.
And don’t get cramps in your grinning muscles!

Best regards,
ArcticStones


PS. I guarantee this won’t offend a soul. ;)
...on second thought, it does contain a euphemism.

And what about this group?
http://www.wctu.org/
:eek:

It offended me and I didn't even see the commercial.
I was offended since it needs to run a signed applet in order to show me the video. And I'm not about to run a signed applet from some random web site. When you accept to run a signed applet, you are saying that you trust the applet and thus allow it full privileges on your system - i.e. like running an application. Normal applets run under restrictions imposed by the Java "sandbox" that ensure that it can't affect your system, or even read data from your system. With signed applets, you are allowing these restrictions to be bypassed.
Just say no.

Hayne, my apologies!
I was simply not aware of that.

- ArcticStones

It wasn't even that funny. The chorus of "It's a big ad" was okay, but thats it.

I thought it was funny that there is still a temporance society, and also that no matter what you say, somebody somewhere will be offended. :rolleyes:

Ok now, seriously: Wasn't my joke the funniest?
Come on, my wife says I tell the joke wrong and it's a joke about men always being wrong according to their wives! That's funny, and it's true! :D

Yonder cwtnospam doth protest too much.

Was that a protest?
:D

A joke about my joke: it can't be too funny if it needs explaining. ;)

Forcing a joke down one's throat can really trigger a laughter :p

just kidding..next time do come up with a good one.:)

Two peanuts walk into a bar… One was a salted… (think about it…)

---

A termite walks into a bar… Asks, "Where's the bar tender?"

---

A horse walks into a bar… Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

---

A piece of string walks into a bar, jumps up on a stool and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "We don't serve string here." The string gets irate and demands that the bartender serves him. The bartender responds, "I told you we don't serve string here. Now, get out!" The string stomps out of the bar…

When he gets outside, out of frustration he starts twisting himself around himself and pulling apart his ends… Finally he calms down and walks back into the bar.

When he gets up on the stool, the bartender approaches and asks, "Say… Aren't you that piece of string I just threw out of here?"

The string looks up at the bartender and says, "Frayed Knot!"

a man walks into a bar....... he says ouch :D

Its the first day at medical school and the head surgeon introduces the class to their corpse for the term.

He announces in a loud voice that the first lesson is to be completely at easy with the corpse, and with that he extends his finger, inserts it into the corpes's rectum, pulls it out and sticks it in his mouth! The first lesson he proclaims!

The students, grimacing, and looking very shocked follow his lead.....

When they are all done the surgeon introduces the second lesson, Observation, he says loudly, you will notice I inserted my index finger into the corpse but licked my middle finger. :D

These two guys ran into a bar.

You would think the second one would have seen it.

This is not really a joke, just a funny story:

The Man From Microsoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."

"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish."

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."

"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"

"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to screw in a lightblulb?

None. Microsoft has declared "Darkness" the new standard.

;)

A joke about coloured people
 

.

You Coloured People!

When I was born – I was black.
When I grow up – I am black.
When I am sick – I am black.
When I go in the sun – I am black.
When I am cold – I am black.
When I die – I am black.

But you…
When you are born – you are pink.
When you grow up – you are white.
When you are sick – you turn green.
When you go in the sun – you get red.
When you are cold – you turn blue.
When you die – you turn purple.

And you have the nerve to call me coloured!

I personally find that "joke" extremely offensive. I am niether black, white or any other "colour" or "color" for that mater. Just because it doesn't insult "black" people doesn't make it not racist.

A joke against racism
 

Las Vegas, I can assure you that I am about as far from racist as you can get. I remember first reading this when I attended the university during the tail end of the 1970s – it really made a deep impression. I am sorry you found it offensive.

It is, in fact, a "joke" against racism!

:)

As apparently most racist jokes against caucasians are considered in our PC society. I apologize if I came across too angry. This topic has always been a peeve of mine.

Ten answers to "Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
(Taken from www.chickenjoke.com )

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

The Sphinx:
You tell me.

Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before!

Bill Gates:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Scully’s Reply:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens!

Albert Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

How could that joke be racist in the least? It's not putting down anyone. It's pointing out obvious things (yes, I do turn red in the sun and blue when I'm cold, don't you?). And none of those things are in any way insulting. I don't get it.

First, any reference to differences/distinctions can be misconstrued as insulting if you want it to.

Second, just because we don't understand why doesn't make it any less insulting.

Third, I thought we avoided political topics in this forum for a reason. Can't we just go back to telling jokes?

.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the punk cross the road?
A: Because he was stapled to the chicken.

.

Ok, here is one:

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That’s not funny!!

Genesis v1.0
 

(Another Fine Program Brought To Us By YHWH Inc.)

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,

c:>Let there be light!

Enter user id.

c:>God

Enter password.

c:>Omniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:>Omnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:>Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:>Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:>Create light

Done

c:>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:>Create firmament

Done.

c:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

c:>Create dry_land

Done.

c:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:>Create sun_moon_stars

Done

c:>Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:>Create fish

Done

c:>Create fowl

Done

c:>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:>Create cattle

Done

c:>Create creepy_things

Done

c:>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:>Create man

Done

c:>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:>Insert breath

Done

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:>Move man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:>Create Garden.edn

Done

c:>Move man to Garden.edn

Done

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:>Copy woman from man

Done

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:>Create desire

Done

c:>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:>Create freewill

Done

c:>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:>Create good, evil

Done

c:>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

c:>Break

c:>Break

c:>Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:>Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space.
You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh.

Thats awesome

Chocoholics Anonymous...

The following is taken from Ian Breakspear, 2002.

"You have won a mole of chocolate chips! where to put them?

cool, sounds awesome, a whole mole of chocolate chips - a chocoholics dream... or is it?

Firstly you must store them somewhere. the most obvious place would be the fridge. So, will the mole of chocolate chips fit in the fridge?

Well a standard choc chip is about 10mm in diameter, and has a vol. of about 500 cubic millimetres. An average fridge is maybe about 1000mm high, 600mm wide and 6000mm deep (exclud. the freezer), and so will have a vol of 360000000 cubic mm (3.6x10^8mm^2). So, if you chuck out all the useless junk (like fruit, salad and veggies) you can fit in about 720000 choc chips. Not quite enough.

Now stuff a small house, measuring approx 10mx20mx3m and you will have stored 1200000000 choc chips (1.2x10^9).
well, let's try all houses in a small city (say 1million houses) and you will have stored 1200000000000000 choc chips (1.2x10^15)!

okay, you still have a problem. you still haven't stored anywhere near a mole.

So, in the interests of world peace, international unity, abolition of poverty, and supply of food for all, we decided to cover the earth with choc chips, to the depth of 3m. Now we will have stashed about 1000000000000000000000 choc chips (1x10^22)!

IT WILL REQUIRE ABOUT 60 EARTHS TO FINISH THE JOB, EACH PILED 3 METRES DEEP!

Now let's count our prize!
Being paranoid chocoholics, we must confirm that we have not been diddled. All 6 billion people on the planet will help you. They will all count a choc chip per second, without a break, until finished. That's 6000000000 (6x10^9 chips per second).

So it will require 1.0036666x10^14 seconds) to count them all.

THAT'S 1672777700000 MINUTES OR 27879629000 HRS OR 1161651234 DAYS OR 3180427.7 YEARS TO COUNT A MOLE OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS!

George Bush's count down to war...


10..

9..

8..

7..

8..

7..

errhh

5..

3..

8..

:D

From today’s paper
 

The headline from today’s paper is fantastic:
“Briter på nissetur gir flyforsinkelser i Norge”
Umm... I suppose that needs translation:

“Delays in air traffic due to British
travellers on their way to Santa Claus”

I kid you not!
As many as 25 airplanes per hour are passing through Norwegian air space on their way to Rovaniemi, Finland, carrying Brits with Christmas wish lists in their luggage.
Heavy Finnish marketing has ensured that everyone – especially English kids and their mums and dads – know that Santa’s home is located just outside the town of Rovaniemi, in the far north of Finland.

Well, basically that exhausts much of the flight control capacity in Southern Norway, forcing travellers with other errands to wait. “Flights may at times be delayed by as much as half an hour, says Jo Kobro at Oslo Airport Gardermoen.

:D

Classic!
 

What's black and white and read all over?

A newspaper!

I certainly remember that one from childhood, but isn't it supposed to be asked as "What's black and white and red all over?" I remember an alternate answer was "A sun-burned zebra" (when you got tired of answering "A newspaper").

Q: What's mean and round?

A: A vicious circle.

whats brown and sticky???






a stick! :D

It's not that I don't like the joke (I do - it's one of my favourites from this thread) - but like any joke, it's less funny the second time.
See post # 7 in this thread.
:)

Yeah, I see it doesn't quite work when its written! Lucky jokes are spoken! :D

Hayne.... its a family trait... not only repeating myself... but also the belief that I am actually funny!

My Father and Grandfather are all the same!

Being brought up on comedy like Blackadder, the Young Ones and Benny Hill probiably goes a long way to explaining things!

Black Adder? Consider me an adopted cousin! :D

Add Red Dwarf and then count me in the brain damaged from british sitcoms too !

To recycle another joke:
"I would rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."

Raven & Stones... (and anyone else outside the UK) .... have you seen 'Little Britain' or 'The League of Gentleman' yet?

They both have me in stitches, but I am not sure if they have made it out of the country yet.. I know 'The Office' has made it to America, but I never found that amazingly funny. :confused:

.
Remember Monty Python and John Cleese’s "Research into human gaits" or whatever it was called? Brilliant!

And their classic joke:
"Why is American beer a lot like making love in a canoe?
They’re both f***ing close to water."

Um... hope that doesn’t breach the self-censorship rules of the Forum.

But anyways, check this out! http://www.holylemon.com/CrazyDancing.html The last one on stage is a true talent!!

Haven't heard of either of those series... But Monthy Python has been around the world a few times... Even people who've never seen one of the movies knows who they are...