Here's one...
 

Me: So, have you ever heard the watermelon joke?

You: No, can't say I have.

Me: Just as well... it's pitiful.
:D

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Engineer: The glass is twice the optimal volume

What goes "clip clop, clip clop, BANG, clip clop, clip clop"?

Amish drive-by.

Ok, so they're probably not real, but...
 

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

8. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine - - this is a telepathic thought-recording devise. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

13. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right.....real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

three men walk into a bar, and the fourth one ducks.

Haha, like that a lot!

I spent most of my money on women and booze, the rest I just wasted.

This used to be my signature but I changed it after really offending somebody with it. "Alcohol isn't a drug, it's a drink."

I'm not an alcohalic. Alcohalics go to meetings, I'm a drunk.