excellent!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He did. "Now take off my skirt."

He did. "Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. Now," she said, "take off my panties."

He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

The elephant and the mouse
 

This is a favorite of mine that was told to my father-in-law soon after he purchased a 1978 Corvette....

A mouse is walking through the forest one day and hears "help, help!" He locates the direction that the pleas are coming from and after a few minutes of searching finds himself standing on the edge of a large pit. Inside the pit is an elephant. "Mr. Mouse, I've fallen into this pit. Can you please help me get out?"

"Certainly," says the mouse. "I'll be right back."

In a few minutes, the mouse returns to the pit in his shiny Corvette. He drives down into the pit, the elephant hops in, and the mouse drives him out of the pit. After many "thank you"s the elephant and mouse go along their merry ways.

So a few months later the elephant is walking through the forest and hears a faint "help, help!" He follows the cries for help and finds himself at the edge of that very same pit. Inside the pit is the mouse. "Mr. Elephant, I've fallen into this pit. Can you please help me get out?"

"Certainly," says the elephant.

So he straddles over the pit and lowers his (ahem) down into the pit. The mouse climbs on, the elephant steps away from the pit, and the mouse climbs off. After many "thank you"s the elephant and mouse go along their merry ways.

The moral of the story: If you have a big enough (ahem), you don't need a corvette.

:)

(And, no, it wasn't the elephant's tail that I was talking about....)

G.--

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar, and the horse says, "Oops, I'm in the wrong joke!"

The version I heard had an elephant and a baby chicken.

The punchline was "If you've got a big enough *ahem*, you don't need a Corvette to pick up chicks"

Mathematicians rule.

A sheephandler, having problems keeping tabs on his sheep from day to day, invites his three best friends out to his farm for their expert advice. See, his friends are among the brightest he's ever met, all having graduated at the top of their classes in their respectful fields.

A physicist.

An engineer.

And a mathematician.

The handler and his three friends gather in a field next to a large area of sheep, and the handler explains his problem.

"I can't keep my sheep from running away, guys, and I can't afford to fence in my whole farm. Is there anything you can do for me?"

The group thinks over the problem for a fraction of a minute before the physicist stands and approaches the handler. "I have your problem solved," he says, walking over to a pile of spare fencing. He takes the fence, plants one end into the ground, and walks a circle around the sheep with it, encasing them completely.

"A circle uses the least amount of fencing in this situation," the physicist says, "so it should work perfectly."

The physicist, feeling pretty damned good about himself, smiles and takes his seat again in the group.

"Well," starts the engineer, "that's a good start, but I can do better, I think."

Excitedly, the engineer stands and approaches the sheep, now milling nervously inside the circular fencing.

"If we pull the sheep in tight," he says, as he pulls the fence tight around the sheep, "we can save even more fence with a smaller perimiter."

The sheep handler smiles happily at his two friends' help before the mathematician stands up and walks back over to the unused pile of fencing. He grabs a pair of wire cutters and walks over to the sheep, herded up tightly. He removes the fence and the sheep start to spread out again.

The mathematician cuts off a small piece of fencing and wraps it tightly around himself as he says, "I declare myself to be on the outside!"

The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematician is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.


"This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left."

ahem, couple more, sorry.


An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are discussing their teenage daughters. The Englishman said, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was shocked. I didn't even know she smoked!" The Scotsman said, "That's nothing, when I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day, I found an empty vodka bottle. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she drank!" The Irishman said, "Aw, you have nothing to worry about. When I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day, I found a packet of condoms and I didn't even know she had a prick!" :)


There was an Eagle flying across a field. Through the corner of one eye, on the ground, he spotted a Blue Tit that he quite fancied. He flew down and had his wicked way with the Blue Tit and after, just flew off again. He left the Blue Tit a bit stunned but ok. She was thinking 'I'm a tit, I've had a little bit... But I liked it'. The following day, the Eagle was flying over another field and this time, he saw a Dove that he liked the look of. He flew down and had it away with the Dove and flew off again into the distance. The Dove was ok, but also a bit stunned but was thinking 'I'm a Dove, I've had a little love... But I liked it'. A couple of days later, the Eagle was doing the same when he spotted a Duck that took his liking. He swooped down and did it with the Duck and flew off again. The Duck was left feeling very shaken but ok. This duck was thinking 'I'm a Drake, he made a mistake. But I liked it.' :D

How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a--HEY! LET'S GO OUTSIDE AND RIDE OUR BIKES!

(JayBee--

I like your version better. :)

G.--)

hoe vangt een koe een haas?
 

Hoe vangt een koe een haas?

door een wortel na te doen!

Re: hoe vangt een koe een haas?
 

Translation via Sherlock:

How does a cow catch a hare?
By imitating a carrot!

LOL!

(15 minutes later...)

LOL!

Two kids are walking down a dirt road somewhere in the rural southern United States. One carries a burlap sack.

"Whatcha got in the sack?" asks one boy to the other.

"Chickens," he replies.

"How many ya' got?"

"Take a guess," says the boy with the bag.

"If I can guess how many, can I have one of them?"

"$#!%, if you guess right, you can have BOTH of them!"

(But the joke doesn't end there....).

"Okay," the first boy thinks before finishing his guess. "Three?"

G.--

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK cause he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)

(are you sure?)

(you're gonna hate me but I couldn't help myself!)

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

I've heard that one, but her name was Patty Black in the one I've heard.

..... What's brown and sticky?

A stick! :D

Q: How many poets does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but he rages against the dying of the light.

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a beautiful blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he's wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her... So I switched the heads."

Here's another silly one...
 

What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

????

"Do you believe in people?"

Q: How many Apple Hardware Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they'll just fix it in software!