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Photek
06-15-2005, 03:12 PM
Inspired by the 'post a picture of yourself' post I figure why not inject a bit of humor into our lives with a few jokes!

I will kick it off with an oldie but a goldie!

Superman it bored out of his mind sat at home one afternoon, he calls spiderman to see if he wants to go out for a few beers but Spidie replies 'nah man I am sorting out my webs' He calls the Incredible Hulk, 'Hulk what you doing, do you want to come out for some beers and pull some women?' Hulk replies no, he's putting on his green body paint..... Superman gives up and fly's around the world a few time, all of a sudden, with his long range vision he spots wonderwoman...NAKED.. on a beach, he flies down (at lightspeed) and he is in and out in a millisecond. Wonderwoman shouts out 'What the hell was that?' and the invisible man says 'I don't know but my arse hurts!'

:D

fat elvis
06-15-2005, 04:32 PM
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?

A: Hold it's trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun

yes, a child told me that :D

styrafome
06-15-2005, 04:55 PM
Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. The fish...

kawliga
06-15-2005, 05:29 PM
Did you hear the one about the Windows user who was so stupid the other Windows users noticed?

chutem
06-16-2005, 12:23 PM
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A: To stomp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?

A: To stomp out flaming ducks.

Photek
06-16-2005, 01:59 PM
o dear god, this is terrible......

lets try another

the seven dwarfs were in bed feeling happy, happy got out of bed so they felt grumpy!


or...

Q - how do elephants hide in cherry trees?

A - paint their balls red

Q - whats the loudest noise in the jungle?

A - Monkeys eating cherrys!

fat elvis
06-16-2005, 04:47 PM
I heard this on the radio...it was voted the "best joke in history"

Q: What's brown and sticky

A: A stick

styrafome
06-16-2005, 05:06 PM
oooo let's see, favorite joke...

"Windows XP"

voldenuit
06-16-2005, 06:10 PM
About exactly how much sense word-filters make:
*** Now talking in #christian
-Word_of_God- Welcome Abstruse to #christian I am a Bible Bot. For more info type: /msg Word_of_God !info
<Abstruse> !kjv numbers 22:21
<Word_of_God>* Numbers 22:21 -- And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab. -* (KJV)
*** SageRider sets mode: +b *!*@c211-30-208-111.rivrw3.nsw.optusnet.com.au
*** Word_of_God was kicked from #christian by SageRider (Please dont Swear)
<Abstruse> I know I'm never going to be able to come back in this channel again
after this, but damn was it worth it to see that... From bash.org.

CAlvarez
06-18-2005, 01:58 PM
These two hydrogen atoms are walking into a bar, when one turns to the other and says, "Ah, damn, I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he says, "I'm positive."

ArcticStones
06-29-2005, 03:25 PM
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"

:D

GregDunn
06-29-2005, 04:11 PM
I heard this on the radio...it was voted the "best joke in history"

Q: What's brown and sticky

A: A stick

Naaaah.... it's

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A: DUNG!

:rolleyes:

bramley
06-29-2005, 04:17 PM
[i]A neutron walks into a bar and orders a pint.

"What's the charge?" it asks the barman.

"Charge? There's no charge," he replies.

[ii]A chicken walks into a library, and looks up at the librarian.

"What do you want?" the librarian asks. "Book book book book" the chicken says.

So the librarian gives the chicken some books and it goes away.

Next day, it comes back. Again it says "Book book book book", and the librarian gives it some more books, and it goes away. This goes on for some time until finally the librarian decides that he'd better follow the chicken and find out what's going on.

He follows the chicken across town, over the bridge, and deep, deep into the forest. In a clearing in the forest, he watches the chicken walk up to a pond. On a lily sits a frog. The chicken shows the frog the books, and to each book the frog goes "reddit reddit reddit reddit."

NovaScotian
06-29-2005, 04:53 PM
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

kungfumath
06-30-2005, 09:31 AM
There were three engineers debating the nature of God: a structural engineer, an eletrical engineer, and a civil engineer. While the structural engineer spoke first, each was claiming that God was was an engineer of his own type.

"For verification of this just look at the human body! The skeletal structure is an amazing thing. It moves where it needs to and it is strong everywhere else. Not to mention that it provides shape and stability."

The electrical engineer spoke next.

"No, God is an electrical engineer because regardless of the structure, the body could not operate without the nervous system. This system has used electricity since the inception of life. God HAS to be an electrical engineer."

They both turned to the civil engineer to get his view on this topic. After thinking about the human body for a while, he replied, "You are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

styrafome
06-30-2005, 11:02 AM
Another one of those...

An engineer, manager, and a programmer are in a car going down a steep mountain road. The brakes fail and the car careens down the road out of control. Halfway down, the driver manages to stop the car by sliding against the embankment, narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all get out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager says, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer says, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer says, "You're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

xlax999999
06-30-2005, 12:18 PM
A duck walks into a Store, the clerk greets him and asks if there is anything that he can help him with. The duck blirts out "COOOOooorn" in a loud whiny voice. The clerks tells the duck that he is very sorry but they do not have any corn. The duck storms out of the store

The next day the duck walks into the same store and once again the clerk greets him. The duck juts out his beak and blirts out "CoooOOOOrn". The clerk is a little bemused by this and tells the duck that they do not have any corn. The duck stomps away.

On the next day the duck walks in and is not greeted by the clerk rather the clerk angrily states "Look mister, I have told you twice that we do not have any corn. If you come in here and ask for corn I will nail your beak to the wall. What do you need?" the duck replies with "NAAAAAAaaaaiiiils" The clerk is relieved but states " I'm sorry sir we do not have any nails. Anything else?" The duck shouts "CoooOOOOORn" :D

ArcticStones
06-30-2005, 04:58 PM
First, a few straightforward observations:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is: BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.

Which, of course, leads us to the inevitable conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

ArcticStones
07-03-2005, 02:46 PM
George was the only one who survived after the yacht sank. For months on end he was stranded on the seemingly deserted island, with no supplies, no spare Bermuda shorts, no cigarettes, nothing. One day he falls asleep on the beach and wakes up to a rhythmic sound that can’t quite place. A gorgeous woman rows up and pulls her boats ashore, while he just sits there dumbfounded. In utter disbelief he finally stutters: “How did you get here? F-f-from where?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island. That’s where I landed after my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing! Boy, you must have been lucky to have the row boat wash up with you.”

“No. I made it from some of the raw materials I found on this island. The stern and sides were carved of eucalyptus and the bottom woven from palm branches, while gum tree branches seemed best suited for the oars.”

“Without tools?!”

“Silly you, of course not. I found an unusual alluvial rock. When I fired it to just the right temperature in my kiln, it melted into workable iron. That’s how I made the tools.”

George was stunned and feeling more and more inept. Fortunately she broke the awkward silence with a gentle smile. “Come, let’s row on over to my place.”

As they neared the shore, his jaw dropped. From the land end of the hand-built pier, a stone path led up to a bungalow amongst the palm trees, not unlike what he’d seen in brochures for luxury Caribbean holidays. She leads the way into the house.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“Sorry, I don’t think I can take any more coconut juice today.”

Without a word, she hands him a glazed blue ceramic cup, filled with the most exquisite tropical juices. They take their time getting acquainted, trading stories. The high alcohol level is gradually giving him a pleasant buzz, almost making him forget time and place. This, of course, does not go unnoticed.

“Hmm, just wait here. I’ll be right back. I just need to slip into something more comfortable.”

When she comes back, she looks even more gorgeous. Her long, new-brushed hair now flows freely over her bare shoulder. She is almost naked except for the large flowers fastened with vines over her firm breasts and below her well-exercised tummy.

She holds out her hand and beckons him to come to her. “Look,” she whispers, combing her fingers slowly through the hair on his chest, “I realize from your story that you’ve had a really hard time, having been shipwrecked here nearly twice as long as me…”

She peers deeply into his eyes, obviously understanding, one hand resting on his thigh. “Tell me, you must have been very lonely. I’m sure there is something you have been longing to do all these months…” After a long pause she adds, “You’re welcome to do it right now.”

George is flabbergasted, not believing what he is hearing. He stammers, “Y-y-you mean I can check my e-mail from here?”

.

Photek
07-23-2005, 05:05 PM
okay, its not scientific..... but it would appear that mac users don't have a sense of humor..... myself included :D

ArcticStones
07-23-2005, 05:54 PM
okay, its not scientific..... but it would appear that mac users don't have a sense of humor..... myself included :D

Ah, so you don’t like our jokes. ;)

Well, gave it my best shot – a sports jokes, a blonde joke and a tech joke. Debating whether to post my favourite religious joke (non-denominational, of course)... Or perhaps something political (non-American, guaranteed). :cool:

kungfumath
07-23-2005, 08:33 PM
I think that I would agree with Photek simply due to lack of response!

pantherman13
07-23-2005, 09:50 PM
This never gets old. I hate Windows.

<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"

<Data, studying displays> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.

<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picard> "Identify."

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."

<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!"

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

<Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

pantherman13
07-23-2005, 09:54 PM
This is great to.

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that."

The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."

ArcticStones
07-24-2005, 03:38 AM
Good one, Pantherman! I have heard other variations, but yours is the best.
Well, here is my forewarned political joke:

* * *

“President Mitterrand has one hundred mistresses. One of them has AIDS, but he doesn’t know which one.

President Reagan has one hundred bodyguards. One of them is a terrorist, but the American president does not know which one.

President Gorbachov has one hundred economic advisors. One of them is wise – but to the country’s great misfortune, he doesn’t know which one.”

* * *

Best part is that this joke apparently was told at a press conference – by Mr Gorbachov himself! How is that for self-irony from a statesman?

:D

voldenuit
07-24-2005, 04:55 AM
François Mitterrand actually did a lot better than that - he managed to have two families in parallel, took his daughter, Mazarine Pingeot, an extremely brilliant young woman, to travel with him while he was Président de la République and the whole clan seemed to get along rather well. When he revealed the whole story shortly before he died, beyond some slight criticism about the ressources spent to protect the whole thing at the expense of the taxpayer, it was perceived as just what it was, the private life of an extremely cultivated and seductive guy.

Politicians are very often very seducing personalities, that is part of the essential qualities to get the job.

Considering their private life private as long as it doesn't disturb their professional obligations sounds like a sensible attitude. Coming up with a Lewinsky-like story in France would not even raise an eyebrow, let alone caution the resulting craziness we have witnessed.

...and not to be off-topic, here's what happened the other day on IRC:

<smartypants>: For hot Sex press Alt + F4

Shortly after that, 23 chatters were mysteriously missing...

pantherman13
07-24-2005, 02:45 PM
Some may think I am obssesed with Windows jokes. But the truth is, I can't get enough!

One day, God was looking down on earth and decided that he didn't like the way things were going and was going to end the world. So he called upon the 3 people who were most inclined to get the message to the rest of Mankind. The 3 people were Bill Clinton, President Gorbachov, and Bill Gates. He called upon them and told them the message and said they have to go down to earth and spred the word.

So Bill Clinton went to his staff and all his people and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is our belief in God has been justified, I met with him today. The bad news is He is going to end the world."

President Gorbachov went to his people and said "I have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is there is a God. The terrible news is He is going to end the world."

Bill Gates went to his people and said "I have good news and great news! The good news is there is a God, I met with Him today. The great news is he is going to end the world so we don't have to fix Windows 95!"

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Twelve Motion
07-24-2005, 02:59 PM
Two guys are sitting next to each other on a plane to Pittsburg. One guy just wakes up, and notices the other guys face is badly bruised and he has a nose bleed. He feels his own face and notices the same thing. He askes the man what happened.

"It's kind of a funny story actually, you see I was standing in line waiting to get my tickets to Pittsburg, and I noticed the teller had giant boobs, I couldn't stop staring at them. When my turn finally came I had a little Fuedian slip and I said 'I need two pickets to TITSBURG!' the next thing I remember is a baseball bat... You don't look so hot yourself, whats your story?"

"Well actually it's a similar story. I got up this morning with an urge for Post Toasties. I really wanted them, while I showered and brushed my teeth it's all I could think about. When I finally got down to the kitchen my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast and I said "Bitch, you ruined my life."

Thats my favorite joke ever.

Here is the best clean joke ever.

A guy is in the shower when his doorbell rings, he runs out of the shower with shampoo in his eyes and answers the door, no one is there. He is so angry he punches the door and notices a snail on the ground. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

***

One year later same man gets a knock on the door. He answers the door and sees the snail on his doormat, it looks up at hime and says "What the heck was that all about?"

ArcticStones
07-24-2005, 03:42 PM
One day, God was looking down on earth and decided that he didn't like the way things were going and was going to end the world…

In a public restroom, I noticed that someone had written:

“God is dead”
– Nietzsche

Just below was the response:

“Nietzsche is dead”
– God

ArcticStones
07-24-2005, 03:53 PM
One morning in front of the mirror, a college professor notices a wart on his nose. By the evening it’s grown larger, and the next morning even larger.

Fortunately it’s Friday by then and no one is there to notice his awful predicament. But to his horror the wart gradually takes the shape of a frog – and it even starts to make chirping and ribbit sounds. So by Sunday evening he is desperate, calls his physician at home and begs for an early Monday appointment.

He walks into the doctor’s office intent on explaining the situation.

Before he can utter a word, however, the frog bursts out: “Hey Doc, could you burn this wart off my ass?”

Hammer
07-28-2005, 02:22 AM
How can you tell when a teamster is dead? ?-The doughnut falls out of his mouth.

What was the last thing Jesus said to the Teamsters ? ?-"Don't do anything 'till I come back."

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? ?-"Do I look like a freakin' electrician?"

Photek
07-28-2005, 02:13 PM
whats a teamster?

Photek
07-28-2005, 02:20 PM
OKAY.....

Englishman, Irishman and an American stood on top of Canary Wharf (big building in the UK) The American says 'I bet you £100 I can jump off this building, fly around in mid air three times and come back.' "Your on" says the Irishman. As good as his word the American does jump off the building, fly around in mid air three times and then comes back.
CHRIST.... says the Irishman, thats amazing....... figuring its the air currents or something the Irishman decides to give it a go himself.... he jumps off the building a plumets to the ground and is instantly killed...
The Englishman say, for gods sake superman you can be a real b@st@rd sometimes! :D

(no irishmen were hurt in the making of this joke)

schneb
07-28-2005, 03:42 PM
Ridicule of the handwriting recognition led to this joke which gave me a real chuckle:

"How many Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"Foux. There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup."

ArcticStones
07-28-2005, 04:06 PM
In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Good morning' to yerz, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires he Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jeez", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

Hammer
07-28-2005, 10:35 PM
whats a teamster?A lazy union member usually associated with truck drivers (among others) in the USA. Ever heard of Jimmy Hoffa? HE was the president of the Temaster's until the mafia buried him in a grave that still hasn't been found.

Hammer
07-28-2005, 10:39 PM
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?!

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

seagull
08-02-2005, 01:34 PM
A couple of quotes from one of my favorite comedians, Peter Kay: (available at Wikiquote (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Peter_Kay) )

"Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here""

"A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything""

"A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?""

"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

"A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.""

"A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.""

"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.""

-seagull

zeb
08-02-2005, 03:01 PM
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

zeb
08-02-2005, 03:05 PM
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. '-I know,-' he says, 'they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.' They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, '-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-'

At this the priest says, '-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-'

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says '-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-'

ArcticStones
08-03-2005, 03:39 PM
And then there was the alcoholic who said:

"I would rather have a bottle in front of me
than a frontal lobotomy."

darinbaker
08-04-2005, 12:48 PM
Three models are flying in a private jet to the Model Convention: Claudia Shiffer, Naomi Campbell, and Kate Moss. Suddenly, the pilot comes over the speaker and says "Prepare for a crash landing, we're losing power."
Immediately, Kate Moss reaches for her purse and pulls out her lip stick.
"What are you doing?!" Naomi screams. "We're going down, and you're applying lipstick?"
"Well, I figure they are going to look for the prettiest super model first."
Claudia then begins to adjust her bra and push her cleavage up.
"What are you doing?" Kate screams.
"You know they are going to look for the super model with the biggest boobs first."
The plane begins to rapidly loose altidude and with that, Naomi rips her mini skirt off.
"What the heck are you doing?" the other two yell out.
"Girl, you know they be looking for the black box first..."

Craig R. Arko
08-04-2005, 01:12 PM
I think this is getting just a little out of hand.

zeb
08-04-2005, 01:46 PM
Okay, well how about another clean one...

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had just taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50. But with the Lab work and Cat scan...."

biovizier
08-04-2005, 02:07 PM
I went to the doctor and he said, "Rodney, I have some good news and some bad news."
I said, "Doc, I've had a tough day. Just give me the good news."
He said, "OK. They named a disease after you."

--Rodney Dangerfield

ArcticStones
08-04-2005, 03:07 PM
Many years ago, I heard a religious joke that has remained with me since. Whether to laugh or weep, I do not know, but it’s one of the best I have ever heard.

* * *

Early one morning, God and Satan were walking along a country road discussing theology. Actually, Satan was doing most of the talking. God had been through this many time, and so He didn’t really see any point in wasting his breath. In order to transmit the Teaching, the timing must right and the other must be receptive.

All of the sudden God rushed ahead. Something had caught his eye and he stooped low to pick it up from the dirt by the wayside. Huffing and puffing, not being nearly in such good shape, Satan finally caught up with Him. And there he saw God standing, holding something gently, like a fragile bird in His hands – but which was more radiant than the sun.

“What have you got there?”

God fixed his eye on him and said slowly: “This is Truth.”

“Here, b-b-boss, let me have that. And I-I-I’ll organise it for you!”

cwtnospam
08-04-2005, 06:08 PM
My wife says I always tell this one wrong, but here goes...

If a man is speaking in the forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong?

:D

zeb
08-04-2005, 07:50 PM
My wife says I always tell this one wrong, but here goes...

If a man is speaking in the forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong?

:D
That's funny!

sao
08-05-2005, 02:06 AM
.

Q: How many Zen Monks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - 1 to do it and 1 not to do it.

.

ArcticStones
08-05-2005, 02:25 AM
.

Q: How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one – if the light bulb is willing to change.


Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That’s not funny!

ArcticStones
09-14-2005, 06:51 PM
.

"The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed."

Jacques
09-17-2005, 09:30 AM
I've got two!

How do you make gold soup?

Add fourteen carrots!

--

This one I made up just after I read a recent announcement that Microsoft is developing now computers for automobile use (GPS, trip computer, etc)..

What happens when you install windows in a car?

You crash!

--- --- ---

I noticed the Craig's bat sense go up a few posts ago, and I agree..

The good humored jokes are interspersed with dirty jokes.. could we keep it clean and avoid offending others? We have a diverse group here, why spoil the thread?

It would be easier on the eyes..

:)

thanks

pantherman13
09-17-2005, 02:52 PM
I like this one cause its clean and its the TRUTH.

One day, Satan walked up to Jesus and said "Hey Jesus, I bet I can use a computer fast than you"

Jesus said "We will have a contest to choose the winner. My Father will judge it."

God said "Whoever can do the most work in 10 minutes wins. GO!"

Immediatly Jesus and the Devil start working. They staring doing presentations and writing documents and surfin the web and all kinds of stuff. About 9 minutes in, there is a power lose and both computers shutdown. They reboot and they start working again. When the 10 minutes are up, God said "Jesus is the winner."

The devil starts throwing a fit. "Thats not fair! The power went out and all my work was lost!'

God said "Sorry Satan, but Jesus saves"

:)

pantherman13
09-17-2005, 02:56 PM
.

"The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed."

You mean like this, Jacques?

I quite agree. Jokes are all good and fun, but some are in bad taste.

Photek
09-17-2005, 03:05 PM
its official....... ArcticStones, has got the first prize for funniest joke so far!

Laugh? thats the funniest thing I have heard in years!


(and pantherman.. dont take it personally... if anyones got jokes about British pricks I would love to here them!!)

cwtnospam
09-17-2005, 07:14 PM
its official....... ArcticStones, has got the first prize for funniest joke so far!
Well, my wife still thinks mine is funniest!

styrafome
09-17-2005, 07:35 PM
(not a joke)

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

That's not really odd at all. When you drive a blind friend up to the ATM, they can get their money out with telling you the PIN.

ArcticStones
09-18-2005, 04:36 PM
.
This is one of the most hilarious commercials (http://www.bigad.com.au/) I have ever seen.
Just turn up your volume, sit back and enjoy.
And don’t get cramps in your grinning muscles!

Best regards,
ArcticStones


PS. I guarantee this won’t offend a soul. ;)
...on second thought, it does contain a euphemism.

cwtnospam
09-18-2005, 04:47 PM
PS. I guarantee this won’t offend a soul. ;)
...on second thought, it does contain a euphemism.
And what about this group?
http://www.wctu.org/
:eek:

hayne
09-18-2005, 05:06 PM
This is one of the most hilarious commercials (http://www.bigad.com.au/) I have ever seen.
Just turn up your volume, sit back and enjoy.
And don’t get cramps in your grinning muscles!

Best regards,
ArcticStones

PS. I guarantee this won’t offend a soul.
It offended me and I didn't even see the commercial.
I was offended since it needs to run a signed applet in order to show me the video. And I'm not about to run a signed applet from some random web site. When you accept to run a signed applet, you are saying that you trust the applet and thus allow it full privileges on your system - i.e. like running an application. Normal applets run under restrictions imposed by the Java "sandbox" that ensure that it can't affect your system, or even read data from your system. With signed applets, you are allowing these restrictions to be bypassed.
Just say no.

ArcticStones
09-18-2005, 05:12 PM
It offended me and I didn't even see the commercial.
I was offended since it needs to run a signed applet in order to show me the video. And I'm not about to run a signed applet from some random web site. When you accept to run a signed applet, you are saying that you trust the applet and thus allow it full privileges on your system - i.e. like running an application. Normal applets run under restrictions imposed by the Java "sandbox" that ensure that it can't affect your system, or even read data from your system. With signed applets, you are allowing these restrictions to be bypassed.
Just say no.

Hayne, my apologies!
I was simply not aware of that.

- ArcticStones

pantherman13
09-18-2005, 05:18 PM
It wasn't even that funny. The chorus of "It's a big ad" was okay, but thats it.

cwtnospam
09-18-2005, 06:27 PM
I thought it was funny that there is still a temporance society, and also that no matter what you say, somebody somewhere will be offended. :rolleyes:

Ok now, seriously: Wasn't my joke the funniest?
Come on, my wife says I tell the joke wrong and it's a joke about men always being wrong according to their wives! That's funny, and it's true! :D

hayne
09-18-2005, 06:59 PM
Come on, my wife says I tell the joke wrong and it's a joke about men always being wrong according to their wives! That's funny, and it's true!
Yonder cwtnospam doth protest too much.

CAlvarez
09-18-2005, 11:27 PM
http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/Common/Images_Jokes/toiletstolen.jpg

ArcticStones
09-19-2005, 01:08 AM
Yonder cwtnospam doth protest too much.

Was that a protest?
:D

cwtnospam
09-19-2005, 01:19 AM
Was that a protest?
:D
A joke about my joke: it can't be too funny if it needs explaining. ;)

leojose
10-29-2005, 07:36 AM
Ok now, seriously: Wasn't my joke the funniest?
Come on, my wife says I tell the joke wrong and it's a joke about men always being wrong according to their wives! That's funny, and it's true! :D

Forcing a joke down one's throat can really trigger a laughter :p

just kidding..next time do come up with a good one.:)

Las_Vegas
10-29-2005, 05:40 PM
Two peanuts walk into a bar… One was a salted… (think about it…)

---

A termite walks into a bar… Asks, "Where's the bar tender?"

---

A horse walks into a bar… Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

---

A piece of string walks into a bar, jumps up on a stool and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "We don't serve string here." The string gets irate and demands that the bartender serves him. The bartender responds, "I told you we don't serve string here. Now, get out!" The string stomps out of the bar…

When he gets outside, out of frustration he starts twisting himself around himself and pulling apart his ends… Finally he calms down and walks back into the bar.

When he gets up on the stool, the bartender approaches and asks, "Say… Aren't you that piece of string I just threw out of here?"

The string looks up at the bartender and says, "Frayed Knot!"

Photek
10-29-2005, 06:12 PM
a man walks into a bar....... he says ouch :D

Photek
10-29-2005, 06:20 PM
Its the first day at medical school and the head surgeon introduces the class to their corpse for the term.

He announces in a loud voice that the first lesson is to be completely at easy with the corpse, and with that he extends his finger, inserts it into the corpes's rectum, pulls it out and sticks it in his mouth! The first lesson he proclaims!

The students, grimacing, and looking very shocked follow his lead.....

When they are all done the surgeon introduces the second lesson, Observation, he says loudly, you will notice I inserted my index finger into the corpse but licked my middle finger. :D

LuckyMan
10-30-2005, 12:50 AM
These two guys ran into a bar.

You would think the second one would have seen it.

pantherman13
10-30-2005, 07:32 PM
This is not really a joke, just a funny story:

The Man From Microsoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."

"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish."

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."

"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"

"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

pantherman13
10-30-2005, 07:34 PM
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to screw in a lightblulb?

None. Microsoft has declared "Darkness" the new standard.

;)

ArcticStones
10-31-2005, 12:55 AM
.

You Coloured People!

When I was born – I was black.
When I grow up – I am black.
When I am sick – I am black.
When I go in the sun – I am black.
When I am cold – I am black.
When I die – I am black.

But you…
When you are born – you are pink.
When you grow up – you are white.
When you are sick – you turn green.
When you go in the sun – you get red.
When you are cold – you turn blue.
When you die – you turn purple.

And you have the nerve to call me coloured!

Las_Vegas
10-31-2005, 10:58 PM
I personally find that "joke" extremely offensive. I am niether black, white or any other "colour" or "color" for that mater. Just because it doesn't insult "black" people doesn't make it not racist.

ArcticStones
11-01-2005, 02:01 AM
Las Vegas, I can assure you that I am about as far from racist as you can get. I remember first reading this when I attended the university during the tail end of the 1970s – it really made a deep impression. I am sorry you found it offensive.

It is, in fact, a "joke" against racism!

:)

Las_Vegas
11-01-2005, 02:49 AM
It is, in fact, a "joke" against racism!
As apparently most racist jokes against caucasians are considered in our PC society. I apologize if I came across too angry. This topic has always been a peeve of mine.

Jay Carr
11-03-2005, 01:00 AM
Ten answers to "Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
(Taken from www.chickenjoke.com )

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

The Sphinx:
You tell me.

Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before!

Bill Gates:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Scully’s Reply:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens!

Albert Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

CAlvarez
11-03-2005, 01:09 AM
How could that joke be racist in the least? It's not putting down anyone. It's pointing out obvious things (yes, I do turn red in the sun and blue when I'm cold, don't you?). And none of those things are in any way insulting. I don't get it.

Jay Carr
11-03-2005, 01:48 AM
First, any reference to differences/distinctions can be misconstrued as insulting if you want it to.

Second, just because we don't understand why doesn't make it any less insulting.

Third, I thought we avoided political topics in this forum for a reason. Can't we just go back to telling jokes?

ArcticStones
11-03-2005, 02:38 AM
.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the punk cross the road?
A: Because he was stapled to the chicken.

ArcticStones
11-03-2005, 02:47 AM
.

Ok, here is one:

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That’s not funny!!

malkin
11-03-2005, 06:15 PM
(Another Fine Program Brought To Us By YHWH Inc.)

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,

c:>Let there be light!

Enter user id.

c:>God

Enter password.

c:>Omniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:>Omnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:>Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:>Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:>Create light

Done

c:>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:>Create firmament

Done.

c:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

c:>Create dry_land

Done.

c:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:>Create sun_moon_stars

Done

c:>Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:>Create fish

Done

c:>Create fowl

Done

c:>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:>Create cattle

Done

c:>Create creepy_things

Done

c:>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:>Create man

Done

c:>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:>Insert breath

Done

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:>Move man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:>Create Garden.edn

Done

c:>Move man to Garden.edn

Done

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:>Copy woman from man

Done

c:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:>Create desire

Done

c:>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:>Create freewill

Done

c:>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:>Create good, evil

Done

c:>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

c:>Break

c:>Break

c:>Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:>Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space.
You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh.

pantherman13
11-03-2005, 08:58 PM
Thats awesome

malkin
11-04-2005, 12:01 AM
Chocoholics Anonymous...

The following is taken from Ian Breakspear, 2002.

"You have won a mole of chocolate chips! where to put them?

cool, sounds awesome, a whole mole of chocolate chips - a chocoholics dream... or is it?

Firstly you must store them somewhere. the most obvious place would be the fridge. So, will the mole of chocolate chips fit in the fridge?

Well a standard choc chip is about 10mm in diameter, and has a vol. of about 500 cubic millimetres. An average fridge is maybe about 1000mm high, 600mm wide and 6000mm deep (exclud. the freezer), and so will have a vol of 360000000 cubic mm (3.6x10^8mm^2). So, if you chuck out all the useless junk (like fruit, salad and veggies) you can fit in about 720000 choc chips. Not quite enough.

Now stuff a small house, measuring approx 10mx20mx3m and you will have stored 1200000000 choc chips (1.2x10^9).
well, let's try all houses in a small city (say 1million houses) and you will have stored 1200000000000000 choc chips (1.2x10^15)!

okay, you still have a problem. you still haven't stored anywhere near a mole.

So, in the interests of world peace, international unity, abolition of poverty, and supply of food for all, we decided to cover the earth with choc chips, to the depth of 3m. Now we will have stashed about 1000000000000000000000 choc chips (1x10^22)!

IT WILL REQUIRE ABOUT 60 EARTHS TO FINISH THE JOB, EACH PILED 3 METRES DEEP!

Now let's count our prize!
Being paranoid chocoholics, we must confirm that we have not been diddled. All 6 billion people on the planet will help you. They will all count a choc chip per second, without a break, until finished. That's 6000000000 (6x10^9 chips per second).

So it will require 1.0036666x10^14 seconds) to count them all.

THAT'S 1672777700000 MINUTES OR 27879629000 HRS OR 1161651234 DAYS OR 3180427.7 YEARS TO COUNT A MOLE OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS!

Photek
11-23-2005, 01:27 PM
George Bush's count down to war...


10..

9..

8..

7..

8..

7..

errhh

5..

3..

8..

:D

ArcticStones
11-24-2005, 02:32 AM
The headline from today’s paper is fantastic:
“Briter på nissetur gir flyforsinkelser i Norge”
Umm... I suppose that needs translation:

“Delays in air traffic due to British
travellers on their way to Santa Claus”

I kid you not!
As many as 25 airplanes per hour are passing through Norwegian air space on their way to Rovaniemi, Finland, carrying Brits with Christmas wish lists in their luggage.
Heavy Finnish marketing has ensured that everyone – especially English kids and their mums and dads – know that Santa’s home is located just outside the town of Rovaniemi, in the far north of Finland.

Well, basically that exhausts much of the flight control capacity in Southern Norway, forcing travellers with other errands to wait. “Flights may at times be delayed by as much as half an hour, says Jo Kobro at Oslo Airport Gardermoen.

:D

oroberts
11-24-2005, 06:23 AM
What's black and white and read all over?

A newspaper!

jbc
11-24-2005, 10:30 AM
What's black and white and read all over?

A newspaper!
I certainly remember that one from childhood, but isn't it supposed to be asked as "What's black and white and red all over?" I remember an alternate answer was "A sun-burned zebra" (when you got tired of answering "A newspaper").

Q: What's mean and round?

A: A vicious circle.

Photek
11-24-2005, 10:52 AM
whats brown and sticky???






a stick! :D

hayne
11-24-2005, 11:37 AM
whats brown and sticky???
It's not that I don't like the joke (I do - it's one of my favourites from this thread) - but like any joke, it's less funny the second time.
See post # 7 in this thread.
:)

oroberts
11-24-2005, 02:02 PM
I certainly remember that one from childhood, but isn't it supposed to be asked as "What's black and white and red all over?" I remember an alternate answer was "A sun-burned zebra" (when you got tired of answering "A newspaper").

Q: What's mean and round?

A: A vicious circle.

Yeah, I see it doesn't quite work when its written! Lucky jokes are spoken! :D

Photek
11-24-2005, 02:32 PM
Hayne.... its a family trait... not only repeating myself... but also the belief that I am actually funny!

My Father and Grandfather are all the same!

Being brought up on comedy like Blackadder, the Young Ones and Benny Hill probiably goes a long way to explaining things!

ArcticStones
11-24-2005, 03:12 PM
Being brought up on comedy like Blackadder, the Young Ones and Benny Hill probiably goes a long way to explaining things!

Black Adder? Consider me an adopted cousin! :D

Raven
11-24-2005, 03:38 PM
Add Red Dwarf and then count me in the brain damaged from british sitcoms too !

ArcticStones
11-24-2005, 03:40 PM
...count me in the brain damaged from british sitcoms too !
To recycle another joke:
"I would rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."

Photek
11-25-2005, 03:25 AM
Raven & Stones... (and anyone else outside the UK) .... have you seen 'Little Britain' or 'The League of Gentleman' yet?

They both have me in stitches, but I am not sure if they have made it out of the country yet.. I know 'The Office' has made it to America, but I never found that amazingly funny. :confused:

ArcticStones
11-25-2005, 03:37 AM
.
Remember Monty Python and John Cleese’s "Research into human gaits" or whatever it was called? Brilliant!

And their classic joke:
"Why is American beer a lot like making love in a canoe?
They’re both f***ing close to water."

Um... hope that doesn’t breach the self-censorship rules of the Forum.

But anyways, check this out! http://www.holylemon.com/CrazyDancing.html The last one on stage is a true talent!!

Raven
11-25-2005, 10:10 AM
Haven't heard of either of those series... But Monthy Python has been around the world a few times... Even people who've never seen one of the movies knows who they are...

Topaz
11-25-2005, 12:36 PM
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch, and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

josephabm
11-27-2005, 03:50 AM
A three-year-old walks up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He asks the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" :confused:
She replies, "I'm having a baby".

He asks again, "Is the baby in your stomach?" :confused:
She replies, "He sure is"

Then he asks "Is it a good baby?" :confused:
She says, "Oh, yes!"

With a really surprised look he asks, "Then why did you eat him?" :confused: :confused:

Photek
12-01-2005, 07:48 AM
Raven...... Stones..... anyone else who cares!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/

look out for Little Britain and League of gentleman, but there looks to be some oldies like Blackadder too!:D

Raven
12-01-2005, 12:15 PM
That makes me think that it sucks to only have BBC kids around here... it means only a few british sitcoms late at night... Would be nice to have full BBC...

Photek
12-01-2005, 12:57 PM
the Beeb is going to be broadcasting all of its TV for 1 week after it is first shown. They are looking at using itunes and their own website.... apparently!

Raven
12-01-2005, 01:03 PM
MMm new idea that would be popular witrh me on iTunes store.. Download british sitcom episodes like they offer for some american shows. Would be nice if they pout in the old ones... I'm sure they'd be a hit and I'd be ruined :D

chutem
12-01-2005, 03:22 PM
i know that Little Britian is on BBC america. Funny as hell. I also dearly love Mr. Bean (In addition to the others mentioned before)

dmacks
12-01-2005, 03:42 PM
The "green golfball joke" is often considered the funniest joke in the world. Don't have time to post it right now...

Photek
12-01-2005, 03:55 PM
what this green golf ball joke?

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. "You can't lose it.''

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!''

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.''

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!''

The man replies, "I found it.''

ArcticStones
12-01-2005, 05:15 PM
.
There are many jokes about how extreme avid golfers can be. This one is my favourite:

"One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole.

Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face.

As she reaches the raised tee, she screams out: "I can't believe it! How could you do that?"

The golfer, not to be distracted, calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway.

He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says: "Hey, I said only if it's raining..."

ArcticStones
12-01-2005, 05:34 PM
.
And here is my favourite Gregory Bateson anecdote:


A man once asked his computer: 'Will you ever think like a human being?'

The computer carefully analyzed its own habits and inner workings. Finally, it printed its answer on a piece of paper, as such machines do. The man ran to get the answer and found, neatly typed, the words:

‘That Reminds me of a Story...’

ArcticStones
12-04-2005, 04:58 AM
.
Some of the funniest English texts ever written are intended as helpful information. Here is a small sampling from a highly recommended book, Anguished English by Richard Lederer. Enjoy!

Travelling:
Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Elevator in Leipzig: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.
Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chamber maid.
Japanese train station: For the restroom, please go to your behind.

Joys of dining:
Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Swiss mountain inn: Special today no ice cream
Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Menu in Polish restaurant: Salad a firm’s own make, limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fasion.

Strictly professional:
Woman doctor’s office: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Dry cleaner’s in Thailand: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Roman laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Attempts at erudition:
Austrian ski resort: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Tokyo car rental firm: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him medlodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Correct ...well, strictly speaking:
Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
Events in Moscow: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

From my own country (not from Mr Lederer):
Damned good bananas! (rough translation of sign outside a Pakistani grocery)
Welcome to this mess. (From a hearty welcome by the Norwegian Petroleum Minister some years ago. The Norwegian word "messe" means trade exhibition.)
I see you’ve taken off lately. (A none too successful comment by a Norwegian at a reception at the British Embassy, to a lady who had lost a considerable amount of weight. A very accurate transliteration...)

Our neighbours also deserve special mention:
Window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
Airline ticket office in Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

My personal favourite:
At a Parisian haute couture dress shop: We have dresses for street walking.


With best regards,
ArcticStones

Oops
12-04-2005, 09:59 AM
I certainly remember that one from childhood, but isn't it supposed to be asked as "What's black and white and red all over?" I remember an alternate answer was "A sun-burned zebra" (when you got tired of answering "A newspaper").


Another alternative is "A wounded nun."

I went to a Catholic grade school.:)

NovaScotian
12-04-2005, 12:42 PM
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.

Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

bedouin
12-13-2005, 12:29 PM
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

ArcticStones
12-13-2005, 04:15 PM
.

We teach our kids very thoroughly. Here is their honest understanding of the Ten Commandments:

"You shouldn’t lie." (Halvor, 6 years)
"You shouldn’t steal from poor people if they’re watching." (Frida, 6 years)
"You should temper your grandma so she gets to heaven." (Caroline, 7 years)
"Thou shalt not be a bully." (Halvor, 6 years)
"You mustn’t covet your wife or other working people." (Christian, 9 years)
"Thou shalt not kill time." (Karina, 7 years)
"You should keep your neighbour as yourself." (Runa, 8 years)
"A little pile can topple a big load." (Christian, 8 years)
"You shouldn’t hit anyone unless you really have to." (Henriette, 7 years)
"You should listen to your mother – and pay real careful attention to the tone of her voice." (Thomas André, 7 years)

Photek
12-15-2005, 01:23 PM
a man walks in to the doctors surgery..

(Man) Doctor, I have a mince pie stuck up my arse.

(Doctor) I will get some cream!




Seasonal!

LoneShark
12-15-2005, 01:55 PM
Bob was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.

But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''

Finally Bob let her get it off her chest.

''Bob, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.''

''Don't worry about it,'' Bob said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?''

ArcticStones
12-16-2005, 03:27 PM
.

"I got the shuffle. Lightweight, honk it on. And you shuffle the shuffle."

– Executive iPod explanation

Photek
12-17-2005, 02:07 PM
how does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza..........?





...... deep pan, crisp and even...









are these jokes getting worse? :D

weltonch777
12-18-2005, 09:35 PM
I haven't slept for 10 days.......



.... because that would be too long.

cpragman
12-19-2005, 08:37 PM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Photek
12-20-2005, 03:56 AM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

NovaScotian
12-20-2005, 10:30 AM
As the dentist leaned forward, drill in hand, the little old lady in the chair reached out, gently cupped his cajones in her hand and said: "We aren't going to hurt each other are we, Doctor?"

ArcticStones
01-02-2006, 11:53 AM
.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced, within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual preference, or choice of computer platform of the wishee.

;)

kungfumath
01-03-2006, 01:44 PM
Dyslexics Of The World, Untie!!!

Raven
01-03-2006, 03:53 PM
Thats a nice non-offensive attepmt at saying happy holidays Arctic ! Now lets see if you can re-write it all wrong as if u were dislexic... I'm sure you'd end up offending pretty much every one :D

kungfumath
01-03-2006, 04:10 PM
Arsonists Of The World, Ignite!!!

ArcticStones
01-03-2006, 04:15 PM
Thats a nice non-offensive attepmt at saying happy holidays Arctic ! Now lets see if you can re-write it all wrong as if u were dislexic... I'm sure you'd end up offending pretty much every one :D

Can’t claim credit for the creative copywriting. I received this from a friend and suspect it’s making the rounds.

I sometimes have fantasies about getting a job in a newspaper - placing my alloted quota of typographical errors as I see fit. Man, you could have some fun!

:D

kungfumath
01-24-2006, 03:30 PM
Drink Canada Dry! You may not succeed, but it sure is fun trying.

Raven
01-24-2006, 03:43 PM
I can't remember where I got this one...

Writen on a men's bathroom door:

"What are you looking at ? The joke is between your legs !"

ALT147
01-24-2006, 11:28 PM
Thats a nice non-offensive attepmt at saying happy holidays Arctic!

Yes, it's not bad; the one thing it forgets is that for half the world it is the summer solstice holiday. I'm offended! :D

Raven
01-25-2006, 11:34 AM
Thats kinda pullng it a bit ! Are gonna have politically correct Summer solstice do's and don'ts now ? :rolleyes:

Photek
01-27-2006, 03:49 PM
okay...................

I have spent the WHOLE week on the road travelling to see various computer sales guys... and I have seen quite a few funny things scrawled on the back of dirty transit vans.

the top 3 were:

1: "I wish my Wife was as dirty as this van"..
2: "Illegal immigrants in transit"
3: "Valleted by David Blunket" (Blind UK Politician)

well..... it ammused me!

Raven
01-27-2006, 03:56 PM
I've never seemn this bumper sticker before and u just reminded me...
Every one knows the well known "If you can read this your too close" (and variations there of) ... A new one I saw is this "If you can't read this your shouldn't drive !" Not that funny, but kinda stupid funny.

Photek
01-27-2006, 04:10 PM
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Dog For Sale"

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. Since no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired,"

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars"

The guy says, "this dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."

Photek
01-27-2006, 04:13 PM
if you read this one rather than being told it... it might take a few seconds for the penny to drop!:D

Twin sisters in Sunnyside Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The local newspaper sends a photographer to take pictures...

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

ArcticStones
01-27-2006, 04:15 PM
.
Photek, those dirty vans and dog jokes are some of the best I’ve heard in a long, long time.

:cool:

ArcticStones
02-03-2006, 10:55 AM
.
I understand that the following decisions is being made purely on the basis of cost analysis carried out by objective experts at the Government Accounting Office, and hence should not be misconstrued as a political joke:


"Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of the 1st of March, 2006. The move is being made to save the President’s $400 000 yearly salary, and to make at least a modest dent in the record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that the office has incurred during the last five years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "Our great nation cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

The President was informed by email this morning of his termination.

Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of the First of March, 2006. Mr Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.

He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.

"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem cause the President was not familiar with the issues either. Mr Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.

"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Many American Presidents have used them successfully for years."

The President who has been named “redundant”, as the British say, will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

The soon-to-be ex-President has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, our terminated Chief Executive may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience."

Photek
02-16-2006, 04:25 PM
MY POST LIVES AGAIN!!!

okay........ an oldie but a goldie........This one should make ArcticStone's laugh!

This ladys husband REALLY likes Bridget Bardot, he is obsessed with her.... he is infatuated with her.... so in order to spice things up she decides to get an image of BB tatooed on her lower back...... so her husband can see the sexy image when they are making love...

So... off she trots to the tatoo parlour... She tells the tattoo artist what she wants doing.... and after alot of deliberation she decides that a 40cm tatoo fo BB is going to be far to painful.... and decides to go for a much smaller one on the small of her back... but the tatoo artist again... says how painful its going to be and suggests she may want to go for something smaller and less obvious....

To cut a very long story short... she decides to have Bridget Bardots initials tatooed on her bum cheaks so her husband can fantasize about Bridget Bardot when they are making love...

A few days later when her husband is in the mood... she tells him that she has had something 'great' done, and seuctivly bends over and pulls down her knickers and asks her husband what he thinks....

' its great her replies bemused..... but who the hell is BOB?

ArcticStones
02-24-2006, 02:57 AM
.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satified smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit piqued, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered that question!"

Phil St. Romain
02-24-2006, 09:56 AM
[QUOTE=ArcticStones].
I understand that the following decisions is being made purely on the basis of cost analysis carried out by objective experts at the Government Accounting Office, and hence should not be misconstrued as a political joke:

But it was, and needs to be the last, OK?

ArcticStones
02-24-2006, 02:14 PM
But it was, and needs to be the last, OK?
Outsourcing usually is done to the jobs of customer contacts, factory workers and (increasingly) computer programmers. So I, for one, thought it was hilarious to read a fictitious news story about outsourcing at very top echelon of power.

I received the "Outsourcing of the Presidency" story from a good friend. Before posting here, I very carefully edited out any reference whatsoever to any president, living or dead -- Republican, Democratic or Whig. All this so as not to give it political colour or slant, or tread on any sensitive toes.

It was not a political joke, and I did my best to ensure there was not a taint of politics in it! Re-reading it, I am unable to see that there is.

If I have nevertheless -- despite these sincere precautions -- offended anyone, then I’m sorry.


With best regards,
ArcticStones

Photek
02-24-2006, 02:34 PM
come on guys.....!

Lets not get bogged down.... his is meant to be a FUNNY thread!

I will kick it back off again!


.........After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Poe calls a brief recess and retires to his chambers. En route, he bumps into Judge Graham.

“Say,” Poe asks, “what would you give a 63-year-old hooker?”

“Christ,” Graham replies. “Five or six bucks, tops.”

ArcticStones
02-24-2006, 04:45 PM
.
Good jokes have many sources. Here is a Sufi joke (Sufism is considered by some to be a mystical branch of Islam):


Someone once asked Mullah Nasruddin how he became so wise. He answered:

"I string together words any which way, and when I see the look of
impression on people’s faces, then I remember what I have just said."

ArcticStones
02-24-2006, 04:54 PM
.
Heard of Rindercella? This story by Archie Campbell contains the most amazing sequence of spoonerisms. (PS. It’s even more amazing if you have the opportunity to hear it in recorded form.) Enjoy!

The Story of Rindercella

"Once apon a time, in a coreign fountry, there lived a very geautiful birl; her name was Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and her two sad bisters. And in this same coreign fountry, there was a very prandsom hince.

And this prandsom hince was going to have a bancy fall. And he'd invited people from riles amound, especially the pich reople. Rindercella's mugly other and her two sad blisters went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall, but Rindercella could not go because all she had to wear were some old rirty dags. Finally, the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go. So she just cat down and scried. She was a kitten there a scrien, when all at once there appeard before her, her gairy fodmother. And he touched her with his wagic mand ... and there appeared before her, a cig boach and hix white sorces to take her to the bancy fall. But now she said to Rindercella, "Rindercella, you must be home before nidmight, or I'll purn you into a tumpkin!"

When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, the prandsom hince met her at the door because he had been watchin' behind a woden hindow. And Rindercella and the prandsom hince nanced all dight until nidmight...and they lell in fove. And finally, the mid clock strucknight. And Rindercella staced down the rairs, and just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper!

The next day, the prandsom hince went all over the coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. He tried it on Rendercella's mugly other ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on her two sigly usters ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on Rindercella ... and it fid dit. It was exactly the sight rize!

So they were married and lived heverly ever hapwards. Now, the storal of the mory is this: If you ever go to a bancy fall and want to have a pransom hince loll in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper!"

Phil St. Romain
02-24-2006, 07:53 PM
I received the "Outsourcing of the Presidency" story from a good friend. Before posting here, I very carefully edited out any reference whatsoever to any president, living or dead -- Republican, Democratic or Whig. All this so as not to give it political colour or slant, or tread on any sensitive toes.

It was not a political joke, and I did my best to ensure there was not a taint of politics in it! Re-reading it, I am unable to see that there is.


I don't what other President you think might be holding the Office in August 2006 besides George W. Bush, so it's pretty disinenuous to say you've edited out reference to any. Concluding with a comment that "our terminated Chief Executive may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience" is just a tad politically tainted. In short, this can easily be taken to be nothing more than a sophisticated "Bush is stupid and doesn't know how to do anything" post. We don't want that sort of stuff here (nor the converse, for that matter). If you're "unable to see" what I'm saying, then send posts you have doubts about to me via PM before posting them.

I did receive a complaint about this one, which is why I checked the thread (which I'd pretty much ignored for awhile, as the jokes have been . . . well . . . the best ones were on pages 1 and 2 ;)). I'm sure you didn't intend to give offense, but you did.

People come here to talk about Mac OS X, Macs, and related topics. The Coat Room allows for a little more latitude in sujects, but the last thing we want is for someone to come onto this forum and find their country, their political leaders, or their religion insulted. Other Mac forums allow this; we don't.

ArcticStones
02-25-2006, 01:45 AM
…send posts you have doubts about to me via PM before posting them.

I did receive a complaint about this one… …I'm sure you didn't intend to give offense, but you did.
Phil, I would be more than happy to let you preview my future posts to the jokes thread!

– ArcticStones

Phil St. Romain
02-25-2006, 08:48 AM
Phil, I would be more than happy to let you preview my future posts to the jokes thread!

– ArcticStones

Responded via PM.

Photek
02-25-2006, 12:33 PM
would this link be considered political... or funny?

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/multimedia/bushblair_endlesslove.mov

Phil St. Romain
02-25-2006, 01:10 PM
would this link be considered political... or funny?

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/multimedia/bushblair_endlesslove.mov


Ha. A little of both, as is often the case, but nothing unduly critical or mean-spirited, imo. Very clever.

Photek
02-25-2006, 01:30 PM
Ha. A little of both, as is often the case, but nothing unduly critical or mean-spirited, imo. Very clever.

yeh, makes me laugh every time I see it...

kungfumath
02-27-2006, 07:41 AM
it's kinda creepy actually, but funny nonetheless :)

hopspch
02-28-2006, 03:28 PM
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in, swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"

skeetone
03-07-2006, 05:56 AM
Always in for a couple of jokes. And it's nice to have a large collection of jokes at one spot for when friends are coming over...just makes it easier to find =)

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10. What is the speed of darkness?

11. Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

12. If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

13. If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15. If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

16. Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

17. If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

18. Can you cry under water?

19. What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

22. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

23. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

24. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

25. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

A friend of mine send these through to my email after I send him a couple from previous posts. Thought a couple of these are quite amusing =)

ArcticStones
03-11-2006, 12:54 AM
.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, .. "Good trade."

ArcticStones
03-11-2006, 09:04 AM
.
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away...

"We're down here..."

Photek
03-25-2006, 04:50 PM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/72212/improve_your_english/



hahahahahahahah

zeb
03-31-2006, 08:42 PM
Two elderly ladies are sitting in church. One leans over and says to the other "I just let a really bad silent fart. What should I do?" The other replies "The first thing I'd do is replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

ArcticStones
04-01-2006, 12:07 AM
.
Forrest Gump goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the Test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?”

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest replied, “Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How About the next one?” asked St. Peter.

“How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve?! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a Year?”

Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind… but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?

“Sure,” Forrest replied, “it’s Andy.”

“Andy!?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own…”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

missbeehive1963
04-01-2006, 04:54 AM
Ha. A little of both, as is often the case, but nothing unduly critical or mean-spirited, imo. Very clever.


"People come here to talk about Mac OS X, Macs, and related topics. The Coat Room allows for a little more latitude in sujects, but the last thing we want is for someone to come onto this forum and find their country, their political leaders, or their religion insulted. Other Mac forums allow this; we don't."

phil, its just sheer hypocracy and a contradiction.

i just got a row from you in another thread for using the word "bush"

the brits labour voting brits viewing that clip may get up in arms about it and choose to be offended, for reasons i darent get into with you.

its the same man things that you pick up on with people each time,
i think your admin skills are biased, i know i'm not alone with that one.

i think if you are going to allow/dissallow somthing, you should keep your own cards closer to your chest.

anyway...


man - doctor i.......
doctor - come in...... sit down....now.. what seems to be the problem?
man - i...............................
doctor - take your time...just relax.....
man - ...........i..........................
doctor - is it the same thing as before?
man -.......(shakes his head)..............
doctor - ..just relax......tell me.......
man- doctor...i......
doctor - yes?
man- .. i feel like a dog.......on a moterway....
doctor - ... i see.....you better be careful....you are in danger of getting run down.

6502
04-01-2006, 01:13 PM
From waaaaay back on page 2...
I was offended since it needs to run a signed applet in order to show me the video...

Just click "No" when it asks you if you want to accept the applet and then click on the QuickTime link.

No problem. No security risk.

6502
04-01-2006, 01:24 PM
Oh, darn... I should have told a joke in that last post... wait...

A worker at a small town church noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making more in a week than most people in town did in a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?" And so he did...

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution, would you like to do so now?"

The lawyer responded, "A contribution?!! Did you know that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker was feeling a bit embarrassed and said, "Well, no sir, I'm so..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids, cancer and no means of support!"

The worker was feeling awful at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Did you think to ask about my brother who broke his neck on the job and now that he's a paralytic requires full time care to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker was completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

ArcticStones
04-02-2006, 11:05 AM
.
My friends who are still working at the factory often ask me what retired people do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, because I knew exactly what I wanted. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket for that nice BMW.

I went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him “jerk”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket since the car had worn tires.

So I called him “a useless incompetent scoundrel”. He finished the second ticket and put it on he windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. But I did recognise that license plate; I think the owner often parks outside the Country Club, and usually peers out from one of the top floors of City Hall.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

Paul Hibbert
04-20-2006, 10:38 AM
A peasant is pulling a cart past the newly-completed Stonehenge. One of the druids says "Hey, man - do you want to know what time it is?"

Paul Hibbert
04-25-2006, 07:29 AM
A farmer is gathering eggs when the local commisar arrives to take his cut. The farmer hates giving his eggs to the commisar in what is essentially a bribe, but he has no choice. As the commisar is leaving, an egg falls out of his basket and rolls back to the farmer's feet.

"Give me back my egg" says the commisar.

"It's my egg" says the farmer. The commisar gets mad and threatens the farmer with the gulag.

"I tell you what" says the farmer, "Let's settle this like cossacks."

"Ahh, the old cossack duel" says the commisar, "but that means we take it in turns to horsewhip each other until one of us gives in, and I don't have my horsewhip"

"That's all right" says the farmer, "we'll take it in turns to kick each other in the nuts. First one to call truce forfeits the egg."

"OK" says the commisar, "you go first."

The farmer kicks the commisar as hard as he can in the nuts. The commisar groans and falls to his knees, but does not give in.

"Right, my turn" says the commisar.

"That's all right" says the farmer, "You can keep the egg".

ArcticStones
06-05-2006, 01:43 AM
.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde had just opened a book but she closes it and says "What would you like to discuss?"

He says "How about nuclear power?"

"OK" says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to talk about nuclear power when you don't know s***?”

ArcticStones
06-05-2006, 01:46 AM
.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: - "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: - "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling... this gets better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!

ArcticStones
06-07-2006, 04:06 AM
.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely – in fact downright depressed.

So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with everything you say. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history...

ArcticStones
06-07-2006, 03:30 PM
.
Ok, ok. For the sake of balance, I humbly submit this one.
I forget which well-known author (authoress?) first said this:

"When God created woman,
She did exactly what I do when I write.
First She made a rough draft."

Photek
06-07-2006, 04:58 PM
Microsoft in Detroit?

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

ArcticStones
06-07-2006, 05:19 PM
Microsoft in Detroit?
...
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Isn’t it obvious? This vehicle is good enough for government work. :eek: :D

fgm
06-08-2006, 04:30 PM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She
dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied,
"its square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the
mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't
realize you were a cop."

Caius
06-09-2006, 05:11 AM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She
dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied,
"its square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the
mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't
realize you were a cop."
Classic!

All my blonde friends that I just read that out to are glaring at me now :)

ArcticStones
07-18-2006, 01:17 AM
.
I’m putting this where it belongs:

"In the fall, having the latest WGA will become mandatory and if its not installed, Windows will give a 30 day warning and when the 30 days is up and WGA isn't installed, Windows will stop working (http://blogs.zdnet.com/Bott/?p=84)…"

– Microsoft representative

ArcticStones
07-19-2006, 01:36 AM
.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"

ArcticStones
07-19-2006, 01:43 AM
.
Lecture: The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually, sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

ArcticStones
09-18-2006, 01:27 AM
.
I shall not quote any of these (http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/0,1518,434399,00.html), but I find this rather striking. And telling...

Photek
09-18-2006, 04:26 AM
talking of definitions....


do you know the differance between a 'slag and a 'bitch'

'a slag sleeps with everyone'

'a bitch sleeps with everyone except for you'

its true :D

ArcticStones
09-25-2006, 11:43 PM
.
God knows there are enough diseases and other ailments under the sun. Just to be on the safe side, however, some physicians are more inventive than others. Here are some of the diagnoses and symptom descriptions they’ve managed to add to medical journals:

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her
husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left
side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the
third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began
seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain
in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most
of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our
car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection.

However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who
felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

and....

NovaScotian
09-26-2006, 06:56 PM
There's a really neat book by Lynne Truss called "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" that purports to be about punctuation (and is) but it's full of such quotes. :)

NovaScotian
09-26-2006, 07:00 PM
I've attached a Dilbert cartoon from some time ago that fits this thread to a tee, but don't know whether it's legit to copy a Dilbert 3-panel cartoon to this forum. If not, please can it.

CAlvarez
09-27-2006, 01:47 PM
Reminds me of the one where they sent the PHB looking for his "token" as it had fallen out of his token ring network cable.

NovaScotian
09-27-2006, 02:14 PM
Reminds me of the one where they sent the PHB looking for his "token" as it had fallen out of his token ring network cable.
Haven't thought about token rings for a long time - in a university setting, they were the ultimate curse - spent all your time groping around in engineering labs and among workstations looking for the idiot who had broken the ring. TCP/IP was a huge breath of fresh air in that environment - stick some routers on the backbone and have control of a tree structure - wonderful.

fjorddragon
09-29-2006, 08:27 AM
There's a really neat book by Lynne Truss called "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" that purports to be about punctuation (and is) but it's full of such quotes. :)

A really great book! I received it as a gift several years ago, but I still take it down from the shelf every now and then and read. :)

ArcticStones
10-08-2006, 02:38 PM
.
With permission of the author, I bring you the musings of good friend of mine. Needless to say, he is English.


Cricket is a game for Gentlemen. The same cannot be said about golf, which is obviously designed to appeal to bloodthirsty perverts with no sense of shame or common decency.

Just consider the recent Ryder Cup tournament… Knowing little about the game, I settled down to learn more from TV reports. I became more and more horrified as I listened carefully to the commentaries.

We were told that:

The two teams were “paired off” and the pairs were said to be very happy to be playing with each other…

They spent some time in the clubhouse discussing their shafts, heads and balls before proceeding to the course to find out which of the pair would be most successful in putting his balls into green holes (the mind boggles).

Several of the players evidently got mud on their balls when executing the last named.

One player was heard congratulating his “partner” for having “creamed his balls at two holes”.

Several players, not content with playing with their balls, actually made green bogies and proceed to hit these with a club or piece of iron… (I fail to see the entertainment value in this activity.)

A number of players were congratulated on having an excellent “moment of inertia” in their shafts prior to swinging their shaft-heads at their balls… (this presumably to allow the equally perverted watchers time to take in the whole sorry spectacle.)

One player admitted to making a “condom shot”, saying “it doesn’t feel good, but it’s safe”

Several players admitted to using belly putters to put their balls into the green holes….

Again, several players were so enthusiastic about putting their balls into these (disgusting thought) green holes, that their balls actually “banged the back of the hole”, according to one commentator…

On arriving at what was described as the longest (?) hole, one or two players were heard to say that it was time to “let the big dog out”. (The reason for this will become apparent later…)

Some players were so lazy that they let their drivers carry their balls a fair way until they themselves put them into the green holes. (That this is physically possible is beyond the scope of my imagination.)

An American player was heard to comment that he “really laid the sod on the thirteenth”.

An Irish player seemed happy to announce to the world that he had “stiffed it” before putting his balls into the green hole. (Not only highly exhibitionist, also a perversion of the language. The word is “stiffened”!)

* * *


Not content with performing these sexual excesses in front of a crowd of onlookers – many of whom were CHILDREN – the participants also indulged in blood sports of the worst kind…

The vast majority of these so-called sportsmen were gleefully happy at having shot birdies at a number of the green holes, some even shooting eagles, double-eagles (obviously a mating pair) and two of them even shot albatrosses! The last two species are on the list of protected birds – and this went on uninterrupted even though the TV cameras were present throughout.

* * *


Knowing you, dear reader, to be a person of great sensitivity and moral upstanding, I have no hesitation in asking you to join me in my efforts to consign this disgusting pastime to the history books where it belongs…


Kindest regards,
Mike E. Webb
.

Jay Carr
10-08-2006, 02:46 PM
Don't think I've ever heard golf described that way...

Spongy
10-13-2006, 07:25 PM
Picture the scene - its a cold winters day, Christmas Day to be exact. Its snowing and in a large back garden there are two snowmen... One turns round to the other, *sniffs* and says, 'can you smell carrots?'

laughed for hours...!!

Paul Hibbert
10-23-2006, 10:46 AM
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

ArcticStones
10-25-2006, 06:14 AM
.
Some of the best jokes are from real life.

It is told that the Shakespearean actor, Sir John Gielgud, came onto the stage and delivered his line perfectly: “Oh sweet memories of love, how they enchant me.” Whereupon he took a deep whiff of his fingers – and the audience burst out laughing.

Unlike the other performances of the play in question, young Gielgud had forgotten the rose...

Paul Hibbert
10-25-2006, 06:29 AM
A man goes into a pet shop and says:

"I want to buy a wasp".

The man behind the counter says:

"This is a pet shop, we don't sell wasps"

The customer says:

"But you've got a good selection in the window"

ThreeBKK
10-25-2006, 08:40 AM
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a hard drive?

You can de-frag the hard drive. :)

(modified from a similar light bulb joke)

johngpt
10-28-2006, 11:21 PM
What do you call an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

ThreeBKK
10-29-2006, 04:45 AM
.
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: THAT’S NOT FUNNY !!! !!!

That's the third time this joke has been posted on this same thread. :rolleyes:

johngpt
10-29-2006, 02:06 PM
That's the third time this joke has been posted on this same thread. :rolleyes:

Third time's the charm!:)

Paul Hibbert
10-30-2006, 03:13 AM
What about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

Photek
10-30-2006, 03:59 AM
What about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

what about the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse?

ThreeBKK
10-30-2006, 05:15 AM
what about the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse?

Second time. ;)

Photek
10-30-2006, 07:38 AM
Second time.

Gaahhhh...

I am unfunny AND I repeat myself..... I gotta get some new material :D

johngpt
10-30-2006, 08:40 PM
Second time. ;)

Our pastor said, "At your age John, you need to be thinking of the Here-After."

I said to him, "Whaddya mean? Every time I walk into a room, it's 'What am I here after?'"

johngpt
10-30-2006, 08:45 PM
.
Ok, ok. For the sake of balance, I humbly submit this one.
I forget which well-known author (authoress?) first said this:

"When God created woman,
She did exactly what I do when I write.
First She made a rough draft."

A couple years ago at work, a saying went around:

"If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"

One of our co-workers thought that was pretty funny, and at home told his sister, who sent this one back:

"If a woman speaks in the forest, and there's no man to hear her, does she still have to repeat herself?"

ArcticStones
10-30-2006, 11:28 PM
"If a woman speaks in the forest, and there's no man to hear her, does she still have to repeat herself?"
Here is my twist on this:

Q: "If a man alone in a boat speaks to the sea, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"

A: "Yes. And she also has good reason to be jealous."

ArcticStones
11-05-2006, 03:27 PM
.
Sometimes being a bureaucrat isn’t such a drab affair. These are supposed to be actual clips from complaint letters sent to Town Councils in England:

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat. Would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

johngpt
11-20-2006, 08:30 PM
I know this thread is essentially moribund, but I was flipping through this Larson Far Side calendar when I came across this one. It reminded me of all the "this guy walks into a bar" posts on this thread, so I had insert it.

Paul Hibbert
11-21-2006, 03:07 AM
A Man walks into a bar with a giraffe on a lead. The man buys a drink and the giraffe lays down at his feet. The barman looks over and says

"Sorry, mate, you can't leave that lyin' there."

The man says

"Its not a lion, its a giraffe."

(how bad are these going to get?)

ArcticStones
11-21-2006, 03:27 AM
.
Hello?" "Hi honey... This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

(Brief Pause)

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do: Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."


A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool real hard"

(Another long pause)

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"

ArcticStones
11-21-2006, 03:38 AM
.
A young blonde came home from school and asked her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?”

“Yes, dear,” replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.

“But then when I have a baby,” the blonde asked with a worried expression on her face, “won’t it knock my teeth out?”

fat elvis
11-21-2006, 11:12 AM
I know this thread is essentially moribund, but I was flipping through this Larson Far Side calendar when I came across this one. It reminded me of all the "this guy walks into a bar" posts on this thread, so I had insert it.

LOL, that reminded me of a Heineken commercial I saw a while ago. I tried to find it on GooTube, but it wasn't there.

Basically is was a guy behing a bar and a guy walks in carrying a duck, then a rabbi, a priest, and a blode, or something like that. It was a bunch of 'walks into a bar' jokes. Brilliant.


EDIT...HERE IT IS: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/65623/who_walked_in_the_bar/

Mikey-San
12-03-2006, 12:43 PM
Three statisticians go into the woods hunting one morning. As the reach a clearing, they spot the biggest buck they've ever seen. They get quiet and kneel down in the brush.

The first hunter aims his rifle and takes a shot, missing just to the right.

The second hunter pulls up his Remington and misses just to the left as he unloads the chamber.

The third hunter throws down his rifle, tosses his hands into the air, and exclaims, "We got him!"

fazstp
12-03-2006, 01:59 PM
This one was voted world's funniest.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

http://www.laughlab.co.uk/summary.html

ArcticStones
12-03-2006, 02:07 PM
Three statisticians...
That reminds me:

Before the good Samaritan came along, two college-trained social workers walked along that same road. As they stopped to look at the severely beaten man lying in the ditch bleed, one turned the other and said:

“Wow! The guy who did this really needs some help.”

And they continued on their way...

Lord Lenny
12-13-2006, 04:44 PM
got this in an email a few years ago, still makes me chuckle...

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given

ArcticStones
12-13-2006, 05:19 PM
.
That is brilliant, Lenny!
Definitely one of the best jokes I’ve read in years.

:D

Photek
12-17-2006, 11:01 AM
thanks to Jimmy Carr.


"Its wrong to throw acid........... in some people eyes"

"I was chucked out of the Scouts...............for eating a Brownie"

Anti
12-17-2006, 11:56 PM
This being a Mac forum, I guess no one will mind me saying that when "Microsoft" "Windows" and "Innovation" are used in the same sentence, it's an automatic joke. ;)

Lord Lenny
12-18-2006, 04:15 PM
Another ancient email (I should really think about shrinking this inbox hehe.)

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

ThreeBKK
12-19-2006, 02:05 AM
Richard Bannister, the emulation guru, has a ton of these funny threads on his website:
http://www.bannister.org/misc/humour/index.htm

CAlvarez
12-21-2006, 01:57 PM
"Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

Wee_Guy
12-31-2006, 05:18 AM
Favourite joke?

Microsoft Windows

Heres a good example although it may be a bit exaggerated

http://wwnw.de/stonie/nonsense/ab_cos.shtml

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Its a one-liner but its still a joke.

So is this:

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

marchutch
01-01-2007, 11:42 AM
Oh, darn... I should have told a joke in that last post... wait...

A worker at a small town church noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making more in a week than most people in town did in a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?" And so he did...

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution, would you like to do so now?"

The lawyer responded, "A contribution?!! Did you know that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker was feeling a bit embarrassed and said, "Well, no sir, I'm so..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids, cancer and no means of support!"

The worker was feeling awful at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Did you think to ask about my brother who broke his neck on the job and now that he's a paralytic requires full time care to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker was completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Presumably you meant paraplegic, not paralytic. One is ever do slightly less permanent than the other..... :-)

I am an idiot; just realised you probably meant exactly what you typed. My bad.

johngpt
01-01-2007, 12:13 PM
Presumably you meant paraplegic, not paralytic. One is ever do slightly less permanent than the other..... :-)

A pair of plegics walk into this bar...

No, wait, they can't walk.

Photek
01-11-2007, 02:24 PM
okay....... topical joke if you listen to the news.


David Becham and Victoria are being taken home by a London cabby after a night out.

The cabby leans over and asks David if he has been any where nice tonight..

"Yeh" says David in his high pitch voice,
"Where did you go" asks the cabby?"
A blank expression comes over his face ....."O" says David.... " whats the name of that Tube station?"
"Euston?" says the cabby
"nah" says David shaking his head..
"Kings Cross?"
"nahh, not that one" says David
"Victoria?"

"YEH, thats it....." says David......... "Victoria..... what was the name of the resteraunt we went to?"





for those of you who dont know or dont care, English, national hero footballer David Beckham is giving up football to go play soccer in LA for around £1Million a game. Nice work if you can get it! :D

ArcticStones
01-12-2007, 08:27 AM
.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me!"

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, and then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

ArcticStones
01-12-2007, 08:29 AM
.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

ArcticStones
01-14-2007, 03:06 PM
.
My wife and I had words -- but I didn’t get to use mine.

ArcticStones
01-30-2007, 05:11 PM
.
Technology for country folk

Log on: Making a wood stove hotter
Log off: Don't add no more wood
Monitor: Keeping an eye on the wood stove
Download: Getting the firewood off the truck
Megaherz: When you’re not careful getting the firewood
Floppy Disk: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
RAM: That thing what splits the firewood
Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter time
Prompt: What the mail ain't in the wintertime
Windows: What to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: What to shut when it's black fly season
Byte: What the flies do
Chip: Munchies for the TV
Micro chip: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: What you did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: Where the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: Where you hang the truck keys
Software: Them plastic forks and knives
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk for the mouse hole
Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof
Enter: Northerner talk for "c'mon in, y'all"
Random Access Memory: When you can't remember what you paid for the rifle

ArcticStones
02-02-2007, 01:46 AM
.
"If you worked in Microsoft R&D, and someone asked you
what you did for a living, could you tell them without blushing?"

ArcticStones
02-14-2007, 04:19 AM
.
Nokia is now introducing a special mobile phone for fat Americans and Europeans.

... it’s call Cellulite

fazstp
02-14-2007, 04:56 PM
I guess that explains the Motoroller... :o

roadkill
02-16-2007, 05:32 PM
a short red-haired man walks into a mall and finds the first person he meets and says, "hey, I think I can whoop you. I'm the toughest, meanest, ornriest fightenest fella in the world. and I'm adding you to my list of people I can whip. If you don't want me to whoop you right now, give me your name." So the poor fellow that was accosted backed down and gave him his name. This went on for a little while and he met a big, big guy and said the same thing. The big guy said my name's John. As the little fella walked away, John hollers, "hey, I don't think you can whoooop mee!" The little fellow says I'll take your name off the list.

Photek
02-19-2007, 01:23 PM
a naked man ran down the street towards 3 nuns...

2 of the nuns had a stroke....

the other would have... but she couldn't reach :D

ArcticStones
02-19-2007, 01:46 PM
.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?!? "

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Photek
02-19-2007, 03:32 PM
not a joke... and not new.... but funny all the same!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcJfY3e6E6w

:D

ArcticStones
03-07-2007, 08:27 AM
.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said:

"Sir, the answer to that question is so glaringly simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Photek
03-13-2007, 03:37 PM
not really a joke.... but try and say this fast without swearing..

'I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant pluckers son.... I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes'

ArcticStones
03-22-2007, 08:08 AM
.
A young woman was pulled over in Austin , Texas for speeding. As the State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.”

He replied, “Texas State Troopers don't have balls.”

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

specter
03-23-2007, 08:41 AM
Lets face it - English is a terrible language!!

There is no egg in the eggplant,
no ham in the hamburger and
neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
where a house can burn up as it burns down
and in which you fill in a form by filling it out.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why when the stars are out they are visible,
but when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
but when I wind up this story it ends?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are wise men and wise guys opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars
in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet
paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

specter
03-23-2007, 08:44 AM
Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up
speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass
drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
1 After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
23) And in the big scheme of things, a minute is rather minute!

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a
slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

specter
03-23-2007, 08:49 AM
And the last one of the funniest:

Very interseting
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in what order the ltteers in a wrod are, the only improetnt tihng
is that frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but
the wrod as a wlohe.

johngpt
03-27-2007, 11:34 PM
specter hath wrought the specter of much introspection.

ArcticStones
03-28-2007, 01:10 AM
.
Fascinating posts, Specter!

:)

specter
03-28-2007, 07:47 AM
.
Fascinating posts, Specter!

:)
Thanks!
Unfortunately it was not me who invented this - I just found this on a site.
I wouldn't have the wits for such an "introspection":)

ArcticStones
03-28-2007, 09:57 AM
Thanks!
Unfortunately it was not me who invented this - I just found this on a site.
I wouldn't have the wits for such an "introspection":)
I’ve seen some of it before, but not quite as complete and enjoyable.

specter
03-29-2007, 07:39 AM
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

That's not right-----------------------------Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?-------------Hu Yu Hai Ding
Stupid Man----------------------------------Dum ***
See me ASAP-------------------------------Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse---------------------------------Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?------------------Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table--------------Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift----------------Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here----------------------Wao So Dim
I thought you were on a diet--------------Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone--------------------No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week -----Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight-------------------------Lei Ying Lo
He"s cleaning his automobile--------------Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive---------------Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great----------------------------------------Fa Kin Su Pah

privateer - 1
03-30-2007, 07:23 AM
Specter rocks:D
Thanks, that was interesting!

stewiesno1
04-24-2007, 12:57 AM
another blonde joke - but a good one

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?"

It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs."
You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens.
You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."
Stewie

Spongy
07-13-2007, 11:29 AM
David Beckham goes into Millets and has a look around. The Shop assistant goes up to him and says 'can I help you David?'. David points to a shelf and says 'what's this?'. The shop assistant turns around to him and says 'it's a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold'. 'WOW' says David, 'I'll take one!'

Next week at Football training, Ashley Cole goes up to David and says 'wow David, what have you got there?' and David turns round to him and says, 'its a thermos Ashley, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold'. 'Amazing', says Ashley, 'what you got in it?'.

David turns round and says, 'Two cups of Coffee and a Choc Ice'.

osxpounder
07-13-2007, 12:06 PM
Little Britain is hilarious, dude.

My fave joke of the moment:

A priest, a duck, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi looks at the other two and says, "Vat is dis, a joke?"

seeker777
07-14-2007, 07:10 AM
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

johngpt
07-14-2007, 11:46 AM
What do you call an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?


Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.


:D